Game of Thrones Season 8: You just shagged your cousin


This one’s dedicated to JS—the true King of the North.

HBO is back and this time more than just Barry and Veep is on the docket. Season 8 of the Game of Thrones is coming at us in full swing, but first let’s recap:

Almost everyone you liked sans a dwarf and a lil psychopath is dead. I mean, basically, everyone else is dead. Jon is getting freaky with his kinfolk D. The show seemed to come back to the sailing stories towards the end of 7 and something about defeating White Walkers is a Snap—or was that the Avengers? Oh, and White Walkers have a Drag-on now (don’t tell Akeeze).

Predictions for S8:
• Cersei wins – She already controls a White Walker in the form of a Mountain—unless it turns on her and she becomes one of them and Jaime needs to kill her (oh pretty please! I’ve been a good doctor!).
• The sailing subplot will be thoroughly lost and Theon will end up just something something now I’m king but my sister really should be something the end.
• Jon sacrifices himself for Danny who sacrifices herself for him.
• George RR is taking notes as he watches with Dragon software to transcribe the HBO show and hand it into his publisher.

Holy (three-eyed) Crow! It started early by me by a few minutes (or hours, if you have Dish, ammirite?)…Here we go, folks. Buckle up, it’s going to be a ball kicking hour of sadness and cliffhanging.

We start with some kid running through the north, much like we saw in Season 1 – Episode 1 with a slightly older kid running through the north. Arya is amongst the ranks looking over the army marching from Winterfell. The combined army of Jon Snow and Daenerys (so basically, Daenerys) seems to march on forever. Arya seems a bit upset that Jon is all like forget that person as he walks by and even the Hound and the King’s Bastard snubs her. Gotta admit, that’s a great aerial shot to give the vastness of Winterfell.

*Insert first ball joke here*

Bran farts in the elevator..err..I mean discusses the dead dragon breaking up a normally tense but loving family reunion. Tyrion is about to bail out the Make America Gr…err…The North, wait. Well, Okay, so he didn’t help Jon when he mentions Lannisters are coming back—because, you know, it worked out so well last time.

It’s been so long, I just remembered that Tyrion and Sansa were married-ish. When last they met, Tyrion was the master but not it seems Sansa’s maturity arc is coming to the high peek. I have to admit I didn’t like her in the first few seasons. I quite like her now. She’s everything her mother was and more (I mean, the ‘more’ part is still living since they wrote out Lady Stoneheart).

Arya and Jon. That’s the two people in the family who never fit in –they bound together as kids and reunite now. It might be tense with everyone on Jon about his loyalty and even Arya is there to remind him how it looks. The hug at the end is the calm before the storm. That’s probably the last time either of them will be happy in each other’s comfort.

Hey, the sailing sub-plot. Oh, it’s over before I could type this sentence.

‘Euron Greyjoy: As a true friend, and an honored guest, I was hoping we’d get freaky’.
‘Cersei: After the war,’

Bronn getting three women at once. God, I love Bronn. I mean, the character is pretty interesting and – cockblocked by an old dude. That’s the story of my life. Great, now all he has to do is kill his only two friends on the planet to please someone who would rather see him dead than in her kingdom. Oh decisions, decisions, decisions. The Bronn of the Book would tell the royal highness where to shove that crossbow. The one of the movie, well, they can’t have scenes together because of some sort of Season 1 ‘extended behind the scenes’.

Theon saves his sister. Everyone is coming back to Winterfell now. So, do we have redemption for Theon or is he going to be a chicken and run off at the first White Walker? I smell Redemption here. This goes to a point—whose story is this? I mean, who is the main character? Whose arc is important? Is it an ensemble? If so—what of the ones who don’t change like Varys or Cersei? Are they doomed, like other non-arc changers like Little Finger and Ned, to join the cast of the damned?

Jon going to ride that dragon, oh yeah! We’ve been waiting for that since well, I think Bowie was still on the planet. The North seeing Jon on dragonback will certainly stop all the shade. Assuming they see it, I mean they’re dragons and huge but apparently invisible when flying over a populace that needs to see their ‘king’ on top of a dragon…umm…phrasing..riding a drag..sigh. You know what I mean. I wonder if his powers with the Dire Wolf will make him better to ride a dragon? The blood of his kin doesn’t hurt but would that extra boost link him stronger to the dragon? If they follow the books, the dragon can bond to one person. It seems that Jon might know his place in the world sooner than not, even if Bran opts to continue with his inapprops comments than saying things like ‘Hey, Cersei is just playing us’ or ‘Btw, you’s the King and related to the girl you’re with’.

‘Gendry: What’s that?’
‘Arya: A Dragon Killer, Dummy!’

Sansa is a bit like Cersei—they seem to be hung up on the titles instead of the real battle. This could be each other’s undoing. If what I said about character arcs holds true, some sacrifice is going to manifest with Sansa that will push her to the point of evolution into her final Phoenix form or snuff her out like most of her family.

‘Thank you, Sam for bringing back to me my best Knight! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. <3 P.S. I killed your dad..and your brother’ – Daenerys.

Great, can’t wait to see what Bran tells Sam. ‘I’m waiting for an old friend. Jon is the real King, your family is dead. Daenerys’s dragons ate them after burning them alive. You will die protecting your wildling wife’s child. Then you will turn on them and kill them as a White Walker.’

Sam drops the truth-bomb on Jon. King of the bloody Seven Kingdoms, boy-o! How you like them apples bastard? Errm…I guess not a bastard but King. Good news is, you finally know who your mom is..bad news is, you just f’d your cousin. Note to self: It’s never good to tell someone who their true father is in a saga—Luke, Jon Snow, Mr T—it ever ends well.

No! Not the Ginger Giant! You can’t kill a daywalker. Us Gingers have to stick together. I call for an immediate boycott! Dang, telling you, us Gingers need to stick together because the rest of the world wants to kill us.

Never trust a cloaked person. Rule number 1—at least this time it’s just Jaime. The old friend that Bran was looking for has returned. I think Bran was waiting to say, ‘thank you for the wheelchair, dick cheese’.

Cliffhanger ending? Not so much. This was more like an hourlong slow clap with some cool parts and story line pushes. They know they have this one single final season left to tell the rest of the story and they have to do it before George RR releases his book.

AAHAHAHAHAHAH, yeah, I don’t believe that either.


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