Game of Thrones – Battle for Winterfell for realzies this time

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S08E3 – Game of Thrones 70 – I eat you and you owe me one?
HBO in a rush to push these out on time seems to overlook one small detail—the actual title of the episode. 69 was kinda cool but will 70 be one for the eating and owing? Only time will tell!

This just in! My Lady of Winterfell (SexyFandom) tells me that the episode will be the Battle of Winterfell, which I believe is called ‘long night’ but I’m going with the OG title HBO gave me and being eaten then owing.

We see a tense set of people. No longer the festive ‘before the storm’ blowing some steam off. You know what would suck? All the Starks being raised and killing everyone in the crypts. Do WhiteWalkers have that power? That would make this fight a bit more interesting (still going to be a one-sided beat down with McGuffy McGuffin saving the day only to have The Hound not die but get really close to it because he totally has to death match the Mountain, or at least Leslie West).

A single rider comes to see Jorah and it’s—my favorite to die first!! The red witch! Hells, ya! She’s going to set some swords on fire. That’s like Potter Wands getting ready to all go pew pew pew or something. The Unsullied are like, dude..what about us? They get flaming swords and the only thing flaming we have is Grey Worm’s drag show (seriously, how hot would he be in drag?!).

Arya sees the Red Witch and I have to wonder—can they see each other’s true faces? Also, is Arya the one who will kill the witch? It seems a bit counterproductive at this time for anyone but a White Walker to kill her. Not that I wouldn’t mind—We all remember the time she ‘caught us’ mid(key)stroke and did the saggy bottoms thing. Shame on you, Red Witch. Shame on you.

Cease fire? The hizzle? Did Aquaman come back from the dead? Looks like he better with those horses coming with zero riders. I always admired choices for major franchises to shoot an epic battle with a ton of moving parts…in pitch black.

Dragon flames light up the scene and I turn down my lava lamp to a mere glow to stop the glare. Oh wait, that’s not glare…that’s ice dragon breath.

No, Sam, you little pooh! Don’t die! I have money on this! Okay, technically my ‘first death’ pick of Red Witch is still in play because the dude who just biffed it was some black cloak nobody remembers unless you’ve googled his name. Admit it. There were like 50 people that season wearing the Black and only 3 (Jon, Sam, Pip) had names you could remember. The guy might as well been wearing a Red Shirt instead of the Black.

The White Walkers vs the Unsullied. What a perfect match. Both are, more or less, an elite fighting force. Neither of them have fear and neither of them have working willies. These are just the shock troops, too. The White Generals are still hanging back as the living people are throwing everything they have at them.

Arya with a snipe shot. Too bad Danny is all like…okay, there’s a joke about women drivers here but I am going to refrain. No, Grey Worm! Who will I have my drag fantasies about? Giantsbane? He’s far too ginger.

Oh Snap! She’s going to do it. She’s going to set herself on fire! I’m going to win this bet! No more Ramen for me! Strictly name brand noodle packages for me. Sure, now Danny sees it. Dammit! How the hell do you set all of that on fire and not get set on fire yourself! I swear if Varys dies first…I won’t go back to store-brand Ramen! I won’t!

Bran, I just want you to know…I wish the things I did
I saw them cut your wiener off and feed it to the dogs. I was worging inside of one of them. Needed salt.

So the night king also watched Black Panther? Wakanda crap is this? Okay, and where are the dragons in all of this? I mean Jon can look at the chaos below and he could restart the entire undead army ablaze with a big dragon breath whilst they were still between a rock and a hard place. Then again, why doesn’t the night king just lay waste to the entire castle with his own dragon?

A Boomstick, my Kingdom for a Boomstick – Sansa

Hey, I figured since they ripped off Black Panther, why not go OG Army of Darkness? All we need now is Elvis and JFK to pitch in.

Go Arya! Go Wolvie all on their butts! Yeah…snickkty snick snick. Ouch! She’s going to need a new face after that. If only there was a character called Giantsbane, eh?

Damn…mad props to the tween. I won’t describe the sacrifice she made because I’m too upset at losing this bet. I guess I will still have the side prop that the writers completely ignore any sailing follies.

Arya alone and scared or at least looking worn. I think this is part of the trailer we saw many moons ago. Can she take the night king’s face? Will the Hound save her? Will she shank the guy walking by? Is this an Oh shiiiii moment? She just locked herself away from them but in a trap of her own making? I haven’t seen a kid run this hard from the undead since Glen went to baseball practice with the Comedian. Batters up! (Too soon?)

Lord of Light brought him back a million times to save the emissary of death? How fitting. He is a tough cuss. I wonder if the night king can raise him or with the lord of light will or maybe it’s just death now? The Red Witch tells me I am true? Dang! Now the two women square off.

What do we say to the god of the dead?
SuP Hommie? Hows Pac doing?

NOW he remembers he has a dragon and can bust up Winterfell in a icy cold breath. The dragons are all fighting now and really, this reminds me of Transformers. Big things fighting each other in the dark and I can’t tell wtf dragon is doing what. Night king better hope he can fly cause he just lost his ride. Jon better hope he can hop on pop because he lost his ride, too?

As Danny pop a locks, I want to see the White Walker walk out of the fire unscathed. That will be a true ‘you’re screwed’ moment. Yep, we get it. Dragon fire doesn’t touch him but Jon sure is about to. Well, if he can get to him.

Now enter the Generals. The crypts too! Man, I called that! Screensot baby! Bam! Lets hide from the Undead in a place surrounded by the Dead. Good idea, right? WAIT!! Here comes LadyStoneheart…is something I would be saying if they didn’t throw away the best character in the later half of the series…*sigh*

Woot! John’s dragon is back. No, wait….that’s Danny…errm…or is it the one from the Hobbit? These shots are so dark…man, I have like twelve political jokes here but skipping ahead on this one. She should probably get her car out of neutral and take off. Jorah to the save! Whew. Now if Sam can stop getting others killed, it would be super cool.

Tyrion gets the most touching scenes. But everyone gets a death scene, so it seems. Implied deaths so far: Jorah, Breanne(?), Theon, Jaime (?), and basically everyone but the Night King. Does Theon have enough in him to take the king out? That’s a Hollywood ending and HBO aint having it.

Theon, I just wanted to thank you…
For protecting your life with my own?
No, for letting me worg out and eat your wiener. I mean apparently, I can influence the past a bit and totally could have stopped it but…you know. Yum yum.

No! Arya! Woot! Take that biotch! Boom Mothersucker! Somewhere, an entire world is yelling ‘suck it’. So….so…stressful. If this wraps up the undead angle, then just the battle against the living is left? What of the Red Witch? She’s supposed to die before dawn, unless she’s going to take her magic off and die of old age? Wow, did I call that or what?

Okay. I need to watch this again. That one could win an award or few. The fight scenes, the score, the premise of fighting something you can never win against and yet have to—that is worth Season 8 right there. Really, the fight for the Iron Throne seems rather anticlimactic at this point. This is like the walking dead without zombies now, which is just a bunch of white long haired hippies, one literally named Jesus, walking in the woods.

I don’t know how I feel about wrapping this story line up so quickly, but my golly did they do it well.

That’s it for this week! Next week we are off and running with Arya being like ‘WhiteWalkers? I effed ‘em! OH!’ (sorry, I was watching A Star is Born earlier and Dice must have rubbed off).




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