True Blood – In the Beginning


When we last left True Blood, there seemed to be the promise of something happening. This was not the case. While the faeries check Sookie’s Midichlorians we are left to wonder why Russell pinned Eric up on that column. What was that supposed to accomplish?

What we’re learning here is that the faeries can suck the fey outta Sookie? Hmmm, I think I saw a movie on the internet about that once… It was better written than this episode.

Does everyone know Sam’s a shifter? Why are they letting him poke around the crime scene and smell stuff? And roll around on the floor?

Hoyt has a problem with his identity. He’s so codependent. Clearly this is his mother’s fault and made him such a needy mama’s boy. But he needs other people to define him. Being Jason’s friend made him a dumb shit kicker. Being with Jessica made him a pussy. And now he’s joining the Junior League KKK to drink shitty beer.

You’d think after “living” this long Eric and Bill would be just a wee bit smarter. Watching them rub their brain cells together makes the Teletubbies look smart. GEE WHO DO YOU THINK BROKE OUT RUSSELL. Argh. Oh, wait. It was Salome? It was Salome this whole time? What a shockeroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Alcide must only own one shirt, and it must be dirty all the fucking time. Why is he wearing that dumb bandana while he spars with the new Tits McGee? Take your shirt off!! Or turn into a wolf and be naked! Didn’t Alcide have chest hair two episdoes ago? Hmm, I’ll have to go back and look. For research! He totally doesn’t do it for me. We’ve been over this. (I looked, he didn’t. My bad. But he must wax that shit. No man with a beard that full is hairless on his chest. It’s SCIENCE)

Furry drama that no one cares about. If you do, well, you’re wrong.

Arleen and Terry blah blah blah.

This episode is boring. When is Russell gonna tear it up and kill some fools? When are we gonna see some tits? Ugh, I could be asleep right now!

Lafayette blah, Sam and Shiva blah, Sookie, whatever.

Omg you guys, I laughed so hard when they showed Tara dancing on the pole! So hard! And then her mom showed up and killed all the boners in the room. WHY IS ALL THIS POINTLESS SHIT HAPPENING!? Fuck dude, they are stretching everything out so far that nothing is happening, and what IS happening is the dumbest, most illogical shit I’ve seen in a long time.

Back at Blue Blood HQ, there’s some more Vampire Bible thumping and Russell chops off a guy’s head in one stroke. Do you think he does that with his hand? Like the T-100? Or does he have a weapon that he we can’t see cuz he’s so fast. So they all drink the Kool-Aid and then wander around the Big Easy like roofied up coeds.

I’m about to say something that you guys are going to be angry about. And I apologize in advance. It pains me to say it, but Pam looks stupid with crimped hair. You can hate me, but you know I’m right.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Lafayette finds his dead boyfriend’s head, then gets his mouth sewn up, then el Brujeria gets stabbed by his pregnant ass child bride. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I can’t. I just can’t with this any more.

Who the fuck are these crackers?! You’re what’s wrong with karaoke! You don’t sing downer songs at karaoke, bitch! That is not the point! It’s the same thing with old women who sing “Bobby McGee”. So help me god, if I am at karaoke and someone sings that I will boo them. I ain’t playing. Anyway, Team Mardi Gras storms in and eats everyone.

Perhaps the best thing that happened in this episode is when Jessica, in a fit of anger while arguing with Jason bits him in the neck and Jason shoots her in the head. And she’s pissed about it. That was gross, and hilarious.

Who is this naked bitch covered in gore? Hey, tits! Oh right, Lilith or whatever. She’s totally wearing a merkin. This is like the worst fanfic I’ve ever seen. No, if this was fanfic there would be way more fucking in it. And some cross over characters from other shows. Here comes The Doctor to save the day and turn Jessica into the first vampire companion! Now THAT’S a fucking show! Oh and Godrick shows up so that…. I.. I just don’t know any more guys. I just don’t.


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