True Blood – Gone, Gone, Gone

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The writers of this episode could have chopped it in half and just as much would have happened and made sense and I could be in bed right now. INSTEAD I had to watch all forty eight minutes of it and now I’m tired and cranky. Let’s get on with it.

Why is the funny coroner trying to eat Sookie? Cuz he’s a vampire? When did that happen? Why do they insist on killing off characters I like (Marnie, Sophie-Ann, Nan, Eddie) and letting stupid assholes live on? You can just assume that the stupid asshole list is everyone who is left, sans Pam and Eric.

Aww, they killed little Deb, these vampires are so lame.

Business 101 with Shitty Sheriff No Fun and Pam and Tara. Adding a peep show style feeding booth is actually a good idea. Low risk of killing humans by accident, solid ROI. What’s not to like? Pam and Tara should go on a Thelma and Louise trip, is this something I’ve suggested before?

Obi Wan Godrick shows up in Nick and Nora, I mean Eric and Nora’s bad acid trip. THIS is why I don’t do hallucinogens.

Lavender Vampire and Russell live a teenage dream in one of the cuter, albeit, messed up scenes of recent history.

Hoyt decides to leave this crap hole town, which is something everyone on the show should do. So what does he ask of Jessica as a goodbye present? To glamour him so he doesn’t remember either her or Jason. Um, you’ve known Jason you’re whole life? Won’t that make him, um, kinda dumb and half a person? This makes Hoyt seem like a real vindictive asshole and ruins a touching moment where a beloved character leaves. What a dick. Isn’t it our experiences that make us? Didn’t they make a movie out of this very thing?

Fun fact: Sookie is holding a pillow in front of her this entire episode cuz she’s pregnant with Bill’s disgusting midget baby IRL.

Unroll this scroll to receive free car washes at the Faerie Car Wash off route 70! Oh, it’s in Faerie script. Okay. That’s…… Sookie and Jason take the scroll to a LANGUAGE EXPERT. This language guy? There’s no language with a high number of individual characters? Um, Japanese?

Sad Jessica is sad, maybe she’ll take her shirt off in an expression of sorrow!? Oh man, instead the Authority shows up to take her to Blue Blood HQ. Party poopers! Bill sure has drunk the blood kool-aid, and tries to convince Jessica that, um, what is he trying to say?

Eric has been bloodwashed and is all, OOOOOO Lillith is the true god and blah blah blah.

Team Shifter GO! Sam and Shiva turn into mice and run some covert ops. Shiva boobies! See, those are some good boobies. Why can’t we get more of that these days? True Blood, I don’t even know you any more!

“This chamber dates back to Byzantium”. Did they move the whole chamber? Cuuuuuuuz I don’t think Byzantium has roots in Louisiana.

“I don’t know nothing bout birthin’ no baby vampires!” Okay, this was one of the better lines of the episode, as Ginger screams and screams and screams in the background, and Tara takes care of Spooky Sheriff No Fun. I guess cutting his head off is one way to solve that problem.

Finally Russell brings up that whole Hey Guys We Should Eat Faerie issue. SOMETHING FUKING HAPPENED YOU GUYS! Why’s he getting all accenty up in this piece? Kill Salome! Kill Salome!! Oh, and then he runs off. That’s kind of promising tho, right?

Why is this old ass faerie pregnant? Is that not a valid question in this scenario? So Sookie’s great-great-great-great-great-ugh-great grandad made a pact with a vampire to sell off the next fae kid for something? Ummmmmmmmmm. Lame?

In summation, some stuff happened, more dumb stuff happened, more eye rolling. In the NEXT EPISODE bit Sookie says she’s tired of running. When has she ever run? She’s always been the bait, or the victim or the bystander. She has never, ever run from anything. Unless you count that time she disappeared into Faerie Land, and we’re not cuz she didn’t even know she was gone. Next episode I predict Russell will wreak some havoc and I will enjoy that.




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