Game of Thrones – The Watchers on the Wall

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So this fantastic episode was one big, epic fight scene with a side of giants and a dusting of lost and found love. I don’t know how exactly to go about recapping this so I’ll mostly just list the awesome and terrible things that happened. Review by haiku!

We get a great view from the top of the Wall of just how expansive the true North is and how screwed the Watch is. And Melisandre is right, the night is dark and full of terrors.

Sam wants to know all about ladies since he thinks he’s going to die a lot sooner than he planned. Jon is not a poet and sucks when trying to describe sexy times. Sam and Maester Aemon have a nice chat and we’re all a little sad about how things are going for both of them.

But then Gilly shows up at the gate and Sam hides her in the larder and plants a big ol’ kiss on her.

Ygritte is still pissed, but really more heartbroken that anything else. Lady, I know, but come on, once you take the black, you always go back to the Wall and try and kill all your Wildling pals. Sorry. The Warg’s owl spies on the Wall and is creepy. Smokey the Bear is gonna be pissed about that huge forrest fire. Ser Aliser’s pep talk needs some work.

Two blasts for Wildlings. This shit is on!

Is that a giant riding a mammoth? What else would it be? They rig the mammoth to pull the gate off the tunnel but exploding oil puts a stop to that. The mammoth takes off and that one giant is all, “Hey! That’s my ride!”

The Wildlings charge the front gate of Castle Black and I don’t want to be a meal for a Thenn! Command keeps getting passed down so eventually Snow is in charge. Oh sweet fuck of Gibraltar, when they dangle those archers over the Wall I almost puked.

That Giant archer made me do a spit take!!!!

Aww poor Pip gets an arrow right through the neck. Harsh.

Hey, guess what “True Detective”? You’re not the only one who can do a long crazy shot! That revolving shot of all the chaos on the ground was great. So much suspense and action!

Sam let’s Ghost out and he rips out some throats like a pro.

Jon gets that big fucking Thenn right in the brain meats with a hammer but is then cornered by Ygritte. That smile he gives her is totally heartbreaking cuz then the orphan kid shoots her. Whaaaa.

Holy shit, the scythe that scrapes those bastards off the Wall! FUCK YOOOOUUUU! Go back to your trees!

The Castle is saved, the gate defended, but only for now. More horror soon enough.

Jon goes out alone, after Mance. Fade to white.

Are your hands sweaty? Mine sure are. Why only one episode left!? WHHHHYYYYYYY!!??111!!???1




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