HBO, I hate you. MORE EPISODES OR SER POUNCE GETS IT!
Jon ventures out into the frozen north to meet/kill Mance. Mance has his own ideas, though, he’s got the upper hand, more men and giants and mammoths. They’ll eventually get through that tunnel, no matter what. Mance offers peace if the Crows open the tunnel and let the Wildlings seek refuge from the horrors in the North. What of the Thenns? They eat people! I’m torn guys, the White Walkers are gonna eat everyone but can the Wildlings be trusted south of the Wall?
Well it doesn’t matter cuz just then Stannis and an ARMY show up, slaughtering the Wildlings. Stannis wants Mance to take the knee and it doesn’t look good for him, but Jon vouches for Mance and he’s taken prisoner.
After last week’s trial by belch, The Mountain is poisoned by manticore venom from Oberyn’s spear and the Maesters argue over ethics. Creepy Maester wants to do some zombie process on him and Cersei is all bout it. Blech. Is he gonna make soup with that nastiness he just sucked out of that giant?
Cersei is still trying to argue with Tywin about marrying Loras. She’s standing firm and to piss daddy off she finally speaks the truth about all that bromance and incest and stuff. Tywin does that silent, furious, rage thing. Cersei continues to make the rounds, goes to Jaime and gets down to business. She’s fucking nuts, guys.
Dany learns that not everyone is happy with her freeing of the slaves, and some want to go back to what they know. And children are a problem everywhere. Drogon has flame broiled a little girl so Dany decides to chain up the other two dragons, Voltron and Skrillex, that aren’t the problem way down in the catacombs. That’s what they call dramatic irony, lady.
The Night’s Watch burn all their dead. Tormund tells Jon that Ygritte belongs in the north, so he drags her out for a private funeral amongst the weir wood trees. Poor kid. Both of em.
Bran and his troop finally find THE TREE and then WHAT THE SHIT! Where did this fucking skeleton mine field come from!? Who’s throwing fireballs!? Don’t get stabbed Jojen! I said DON’T! They run into the magic cave under the magic tree and talk to the magic dude who is creepy as shit. So they just totally cut out Coldhands, huh? BOOO! I want Coldhands!
OOOO! My two favorite spinoffs are having a major television event! The Burning Bridges Tour and Podrienne meet in this one time showdown. Mano a mano, Hound Vs Giant Broad! Dude, this was NOT in the books but IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!! Holy shit, what a fight. We’ve got swords, we’ve got punches, we’ve got crotch pops, we’ve got head butts, we’ve got rock hitting! And finally, a long plummet off a cliff! Brienne FOR THE WIN! Of course, Arya doesn’t want to go with her so it was all for not. Arya climbs down to the Hound who is in ROUGH shape. Ooof. He tries to get Arya to finish him off but all she does is watch him like a creepy raven. She takes his gold and leaves him to a fate yet determined.
And in a daring escape, Jaime busts out Tyrion! But first, a pit stop. He goes poking around looking for Daddy Dearest, and what does he find but that whore, Shae. Bitch, you gonna die! Next up is Tywin, who he finds in the privy, in all his regal glory. No Tywin Lannister, Happy Father’s Day to you! Have an arrow in the gut!
Arya rides to the closest port and tells a ship captain she want to go to the Wall but he says hell nah, I’m going to the Free Cities. She offers up her Jaqen coin, says the words and the captain gets a super spooky look on his face. OOOOOOOOOOO! GTFO Westeros!
That’s how you do a finale! Holy crap. There’s lots of people on ships. We’ve got poor Varys and Tyrion heading for parts unknown, along with Sansa and LF, and Arya continues her quest for murder, now internationally! None of this “6 months later” bullshit, TRUE BLOOD. We got some dragons and magical murderous skeletons so I’m pretty satisfied. See ya next year!