Game of Thrones – Two Swords


We open season four with Tywin melting down Ned Stark’s Valyrian sword, Ice, in a last ruthless gesture to show that he has conquered and obliterated the Starks from the realm. It won’t do Jaime any good now, what with the one hand and all, especially in Casterly Rock, which is what Tywin wants. Of course Jaime refuses since only Cersei matters to him now.

Once again, Podrick has a secret talent to reveal, this time it’s in recognizing sigils as Tyrion waits for the prince of Dorne to arrive for Joffery’s wedding, instead Oberyn shows up, who’s got some BEEF with the Lannisters. Who arrived at dawn, ugh, Dornishmen. Oberyn knows how to make an entrance, I certainly wouldn’t want to be a Lannister anywhere near him, however, Tyrion has a lot in common with him. Oh, and BEWBS!! Thanks for bringing back some nudity, HBO, tho, can we get some dongs on there too? Or at least man butt? Or, something for the ladies?

Dany likes to hang with the dragons but those teenagers are jerks. Mormont reminds her that dragons can’t be tamed, but they can be ridden, as her ancestors did long ago. New Daario puts the moves on her which she finds annoying but also somewhat charming. Oh Dany, remember what that crazy old woman told you… On the march to Mareen, they arrive upon a slight, complication. THe Mareen slave masters have crucified slave children pointing the way, at every mile for 163 miles. Things are going to go, poorly, for the slave masters.

Poor Sansa is acting like she’s got mono though Tyrion tries his hardest to be some form of comfort for her. Poor, dumb Sansa. Ser Dontas the Drunk follows her and she pities him with a smile. Shae is such a dick and troublemaker, Cersei’s spy is going to complicate this for her…

Stumpy gets a new lefty! Cersei sure can hold a grudge and tells Jaime IT’S TOO DAMN LATE! You guys, I totally can’t remember what happens in the book, but when Cersei is talking to the Maester about her “symptoms” that he helped with, she’s talking about getting rid of a pregnancy, right? Cuz she’s totally been fucking her cousin or whever while Jaime was gone. Right? Well, something like that, fo sho.

The Wildlings south of the Wall gather, joining with the Thens in anticipation of attacking Castle Black. Ygritte is still a bad ass though Tormund still questions her loyalty.

Jon tells the Crow’s leaders the wildlings plan, but some of them want his head and don’t believe him. Though his claims silence some of his doubters, for if he’s right, the realm is in danger indeed.

Brienne makes an appearance, mostly to make Jaime feel bad and tell Margery that a ghost killed her brother. What are you gonna do now Brienne? Why don’t you retire to a nice little island or something?

Joffery continues to be a total shit, now in the form of a statue! Don’t talk to your father like that! First Tywin, then Cersei, THEN Brienne and now Joffery are all laying into Jaime. He’s having a bad day. You should have stayed away, Kings Landing sucks.
It’s Arya and the Hound, Burning Bridges Tour! They bicker like frenemies and happen upon an inn where Arya recognizes the Lannister men who killed dumb dumb Lomie and took them all to Fucking Harrenhall. So, he pretty much is going to die. The Hound is such a bad ass, basically telling those ass hats they can suck it. And then Arya has her vengeance and Needle is returned. Hardcore girls get ponies!


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