If you are a fan of the HBO series “True Blood”, you should stop reading this right now. This is for the jerks who hate that dumb show. Previously on this dumb show:
Wow season 5? Really? Sookie is a goddamn faerie, so stupid! I can’t tell you how annoyed I am by all of this. There was a witch bitch, poor Papi Guapo got killed, Eric was not a jerk when he forgot who he was. Babies be cray cray. Shiva is a horse. Poor Nan died, I liked her! Tara got her face blown off. Sookie actually killed someone.
And go!
Eric makes an excellent maid! He’s so fast and you hardly know he’s there! You know that weird maid service where they wear bikinis and “clean”? Eric would be a great candidate for that! Pam! We love Pam! She’s the bee’s knees! What did she do to piss Eric off again? Oh right, I don’t care, it’ll all work itself out. See you guys? Pam is right, Tara is FUCKTARDED! Sook and Lala are all wha wha over Ta Ta but I’m pretty sure the rest of us are applauding.
If fucking Tara becomes a vampire I’ll fucking scream.
Pastor Lavendar Sweater is a vamp now and asks Jason for help, who happens to be buck ass naked. Why is he naked? Cuz he’s covered in muscles, that’s why. You mean the super religious character who rails against vampires as evil is secretly gay? Hmmm, are the writers trying to say something? Today when I was at HonFest some girl with a petition tried to get me to sign up to pledge that I’d vote for marriage equality. I told her I didn’t want to sign up for anything but I would definitely vote for it. I’m not an asshole, I just don’t need any more spam.
So first Tara is date raped, over and over again. And now Jason might get forced into gay sex? You guys, this is srsly stupid. Are you rolling your eyes like me?
Jessica saves Jason’s literal ass and just happens to be dressed as little red riding hood? Best thing in the episode so far.
Pam looks rather fetching in that yellow sweat suit. You do look good in Walmart, don’t sell yourself short, honey. I mean, you’d look great in a paper bag. I know she’s agreeing to help with Taragate so she can force Sook to help her later, but Pam, I thought you were better than this.
The Redneck Furries have some high school drama cuz Alcide killed some jerk last season. Butts! So much more nudity than Game of Thrones. Sam tries to warn Shiva that the Furries are after them and blahblahblah. Some stuff happens but no one really cares. Gross! Why is momma wolf eating that jerk’s stomach? Ugh, the poor fx department has to make so very many innards.
The Cuddle Buddies (Bill and Eric) get apprehended by Storm Troopers and manage to blow up a car with an umbrella. Regular old Vampire MacGyvers. Nora? Who the fuck is Nora? Man, what is going on?
“Because I’d do anything for Eric.” “And I’d do anything for you.” Now fuck! SEEEEE! I totally called that! Yay Eric butt! That was pretty hot. He totally bones his Vamp Sister in a shipping container. Not the sexiest locale but I do like that Nora was wearing gloves(?!) the whole time. We can always count on Eric to make things interesting. It was super nice of Nora to help them out, and lie to the Authority but when you say they can’t come back ever or you’ll die? Sorry bitch, yousa gonna die.
It’s like they wrote ideas for a couple episodes on post it notes and then threw them all up in the air and picked them up at random and jammed em all into this episode.
Okay all the randos get storylines this year. Hooray? Sound off! Andy gets some booty! Awkward when Holly’s hick kids show up tho. Oh right! Russell! Why didn’t they just kill him? Obviously so he could come back as he’s the only villain I’ve enjoyed. But The Cuddle Buddies killed Nan with no problem. Terry’s Army buddy is being a fucking weirdo. Look, I like Terry, but this is stupid. He’s a good guy and last season a bunch of shit happened and now it’s all good. Can’t we just leave him be for a little bit. Why does it have to be STORYLINE EXTREME?
WHY is Sookie having a creepy flash back and everyone has giant chins?
Gross, there is a tooth hanging out on the floor? That’s nasty guys. Wolverine is such a magoo. What is the point of his character? To give Sook some other guy to screw over? His white knight routine is getting awfully old.
I could watch Jessica playing Rock Band and wigglin’ that butt for hours. And hours.
Sookie is so ugly when she cries. Jesus. Maybe you gotta microwave her back to life? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCKYOUTARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
In the COMING THIS SEASON part there was a quick shot of “Spooning with Skarsgard” which is totally what I’m going to name my band.
