Boom! And like that, King LGBT is deadzorz by the hands of shadowy Stannis Demon Baby. This is a bit of a kink in the plan for the Tyrells and Little Finger is quick to step in and offer a plan/save his ass. Such an opportunist, but hey, that’s the way it goes.
Cersei celebrates but keeps her hand close when discussing the “king’s” plan for when Stannis’ forces arrives. Tyrion’s cousin/spy offers some intel and says Cersei is having Wildfire made. Tyrion heads down to Ye Olde Crazy Wizard Shoppe but Bronn is skeptical that such a thing even exists. But then Crazy Wizard shows them the stockpile. It’s impressive.
Davos demands explanations after his trip to the cave with Ginger Witch but Stannis offers none. He is swayed by Davos’ Hard Truths, which sounds like a new show on TruTv, and decides to leave Ginger Witch behind as they head to battle. Hard Truths with Davos Seaworth, examining all the layers of the Justice Onion. I’m hilarious.
Theon and the Sea Bitch face morale problems as his crew refuses to accept him as captain. The wheels in that dirty head of his start to spin as his need to prove himself grows ever stronger. It’ll work out just fine, I’m sure.
Back in fucking Harrenhall, Tywin busts his cousin’s(?) balls and actually makes a funny. Arya shines when she tells truths with those hard eyes. She’s just the dickens. And her new friend, Jaqen H’ghar and his backward talk, promises her three lives for the three she saved. He’s pretty hot. You know, for a weirdo assassiny dude.
Back in the frozen tundra, Jon and the Black Brothers arrive at the Fist of the First Men. This is not a place I ever want to go. Unless they have amazing hot springs and a spa. The Horn sounds and the Brothers wait in terror to hear if it’s for rangers returning or two blasts for a Wildling attack. Sam is happy to chime in that three blasts are for White Walkers. The more you know!
Dany continues to bask in the wealth of Xaro, who attempts to propose marriage and offer her the ships she needs to take back the Iron Throne. But that charming face seems way too good to be true. You don’t become a merchant prince by being nice. That goddamn warlock Pyat Pree is fucking creepy and the House of the Undying does not sound like a good place to have brunch and hangout. Quaithe of the Shadow appears to tell Mormont some riddle about, I dunno, I hate riddles. Also, her mask is supposed to be wooden, not some weirdo Ren Faire chain link thing. Come on guys, that is a fail prop right there.
Thelma and Louise, I mean Brienne and Kat, rest after fleeing Renly’s camp and have a heart warming scissor session, I mean swear fealty to each other. Just let Louise kill some more dudes. Or is Brienne Thelma? No, I think she’s Louise.
In gloomy ass Winterfell, Bran sends troops to support the attack that Theon is now staging, off-screen, on Stark banner men. Bran also tells Osha of his dreams with the three eyed crow and her reaction is less than reassuring.
As the episode wraps up, Jon volunteers to kill the Wildling’s lookouts, and score one for Arya as one of her lives is now used up. I don’t think that’s how heads are supposed to fit on bodies. But I’m no doctor.
Predictions! I get a massage for my weary running muscles and Davos pitches a show for CNN.
