House of the Dragon S1E5: AKA Walkin’ n Talkin’ for 59 minutes

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The new House of the Dragon is hitting live and I can’t wait to see the excitement. I sure hope it starts out with people riding one of the mythical creatures GoT is known for…a horse. I am not disappointed! Boy, that is some horse riding. Horse riding followed by more horse riding. Then horse falling. Then horses on boats. I mean, I assume they have horses on that boat. They have everything else.

Oh, and Daemon killed his wife.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up… Too soon?

We cut from a king throwing up to an ex-hand throwing down. Much like Polonius, the granddaddy of the babe (‘what babe? The babe with the power.’) lays it straight for his daughter. However, unlike Ophelia we just can’t muster enough caring to push the scene further than ‘gee, it sure does rain a lot’.

Speaking of ‘a lot’, it seems the 2nd almost child-bride has grown ‘a lot’ in the last XXX years (like, seriously, how many years was this since the last episode? Is this the one with the hobbits? I see trees, but they aren’t talking or walking).

So far the only thing that didn’t talk in this episode

There sure is a lot of back and forth scene cutting. It seems every time someone coughs we..yep…there it is. Another scene shift. Another scene shift and another character of a guy I can’t quite place. Are we supposed to know this new person? Is he a new person? Is he the little kid who killed that other dude last episode? It is the great grandson of some other family?

Literally–who?

And, almost on cue, we shift back to someone coughing. The king is trying to buy a spot at the table with his most trusted lord. You know, the one who tried to sell him an 8 year old child bride and even the writers of this show were like ‘nope’. It seems the writers get a second chance to creep us out. This time, the small boy child is being haggled to the other.

You know something is up when they use the same look Tenacious D gave.

It appears the writers are taking heavy notes from everyone’s favourite GoT season and have all of the action happen in walking. Walking and talking. Walking and getting ready to talk. Walking and going to a different place to walk some more so they can talk to other characters whose names you don’t know until you press pause and use that X-Ray feature. Huh. His name is ‘Also appearing’. Must have been a popular name that year.

The RollerGator hideout cave!!

These two guys bone…right? Stop me if you heard this one. A would be king takes another man as his lover and things worked out happily ever…uhh…**checks notes** Nope. They all die horribly. Well, at least we can now confirm the saying ‘History repeats itself’ means something a bit more exact to the show runners. Do you think anyone would notice if I did a prequel to Cheers and sold NBC my VHS taped collection of the series for them to play? Who wants more He-Man commercials?

Nailed it…errm…Phrasing?

Hey! A boat…and people…talking. Something something marry me for love something something laughter something something more talking something something. I am pretty sure they ended up by talking about oranges. Yes, we know he’s just a boy. She’s just a girl. He’s a knight. She’s a princess. Wrong families. But oranges? Really?

Cut to: More walking. Now the White Knight is walking to the Queen’s chamber so she can probably poison his ear or touch his rear or just talk. It’s a bit weird to see everyone carrying on like this when, if I remember correctly, they are all about the age of college freshmen. Can you imagine having these responsibilities as a freshman? Think of all the walking!!

I get it!! The entire episode is an homage to this guy!

Are we about to see the first person banished to the Wall? Or maybe just the first person to tell the truth and not get his head cut off in GoT universe. Speaking of the Wall–can you imagine the wonders the Black spin off series will have? All that walking! Walking through snow! Walking with Snow. Snow walking through snow! Oh, the possibilities are endless.

What isn’t endless is the King’s health. I don’t know how but he looks worse every episode.

Yeah, I too know what it’s like to be a Lakers fan.

Many Lords have told me I would rise…out of this chair and into the next chair. I can’t be sure of everyone’s names but the King’s multiple wounds that are oozing from the Iron Throne. makes me wonder if the Mad King became such not due to incest but some heavy metal poisoning from that chair.

Hey! Look! Ships carrying people that will, in turn, probably walk a lot so they can talk about things like food, oranges, grapes, and various meats. Speaking of meats, looks like the major houses are all here and boy are they chatty. Chatty until a drumroll bringing in the not-quite-child bride of the other child-bride-almost.

Okay with 15 minutes left, who thinks this is going to be one giant blood bath or poisoning cliff hanger? Do we end the episode the way we start it or do we simply…yup. We talk more.

GoT: Now with extra talking!

Or do we? Please can Matt Smith kill a bunch of people right now? I wouldn’t even care which ones–just give me some action. Anything. I’d settle for subtitles right now. Or the Queen. Maybe she can kill someone? Or maybe the King can just fall over? Or maybe at least kill off a bottle of wine? Anything but talking for an hour straight. If I wanted to see someone talk for an hour, I would go to class.

Drumroll please! This has to mean death, right? This is where a monster comes in but is really a cursed man in disguise and much fighting breaks out! Oh, wait. That was Witcher. Nope. We get more dancing, which is just a form of rhythmic walking here and, yup, they talk even as they do a courtly dance.

Don’t be fooled. This is the only actions his hands are doing for the rest of the episode.

O man! With 7 minutes left, we finally get my favourite type of talking–threats! Looks like Daemon isn’t done with killing off Vale people yet. Or I guess he is. Man, who would have thunk the most exciting thing to happen in this show was to show the cave where RollerGator hides out?

The episode can’t end like this can it? Just talking and dancing with more talking? Someone–anyone–offer someone up to marry. Are we out of 8 year olds already? Can we spill some blood? Aren’t the writers just copy pasta’ing the entire GoT series? Have we ever seen a happy GoT wedding party? Maybe the King will choke on his food or something. They foreshadowed it enough with the Daemon killing his wife.

OK–so maybe no big bang, but this episode sets up a lot of the political (and maybe mortal) fighting that will come up shortly. The houses are cracking. Even the White Knight is being blackmailed.

Yes! He is armed! Kill Kill Kill! Do it! Dooo eeeeettttt!! For the love of god someone kill someone.

OK. I should have been a bit more exact. Looks like the White Knight has had enough. And we set things into motion. What’s the count? A kidnapping. A guy beaten to death? A poisoned king? Merely a dying one? An honourable man doing what he could? A marriage that won’t last long? A knight that apparently never heard of taking the Black? Someone who loved more than he should have?  A queen in the nick of time?!

This was almost worth the entire 59 minutes before it.




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