As House of the Dragon S1E4 kicks off we must say our farewells to our true queen. Much like the tv show, she, too, was replaced by a guy voted most likely to have been killed off in earlier seasons and was completely forgotten about until the final hour and then people only wished he remained completely forgotten about because that narrative makes zero point zero sense. Of course, I’m talking about Adam Lambert replacing Freddie Mercury.
Back to our show! Missed all that child bride hype? Think that child sex slavery should be equal opportunity? Well, we have you covered in the latest episode of HoD. My momma always said “never call someone the C word if they have a sword”. I’m not sure what the writers are trying to say here. Is it boy children want to be married off so badly they will kill for it whilst nobody died when the King took one child bride over the other?
Suitor #1 What would you do if I were the last piece of chocolate…
And now we see the true game of thrones! Who can withstand such cunning of a sharp sword of a what? Eight year old boy? Suitor #2 if you were to make whoopee, what sword would you use?
Cut to: The most miserable looking king of all of GoT history and that says something. I can’t remember someone not really fitting in to be king and yet trying to grab that power at the same time than Danny’s Grandpappi. A wise. man once said that ‘If you’re clutching at power it means you never had any’. Speaking of wise men, that Matt Smith (pictured here after a long day of carrying the entire show) really has a character turn of sorts. I never saw him as the ‘trying to take over’ type but rather ‘why doesn’t my brother love me’ type.
The doctors say it may be months before Matt Smith can walk again after carrying the entire show on his back
Is it me or does the Doctor want to get freaky with his niece? Does that make him Doctor Daddy? I haven’t seen a guy fawning over his own blonde-haired family member since uhhhh…when did the last GoT air? Quiz time! Which is more awkward? The show using a made up language to show off its subtitling skills or that someone, somewhere, is going ‘Hey! That’s not what they said!’. I guess they really wanted to make this series their own. No longer are we subject to an entire season based on the internal workings of the body politic. Now we can have an entire season of pretending whatever language they were speaking was worthy of subtitles. You know, to give it that extra flair. I wonder how the hearing impaired channel deals with this one? ‘Man speaks gibberish and is translated thusly: Hey little sister, why don’t we get it on’.
What castle would be complete without a secret passage that you definitely never knew but sorta already saw the area it leads. Ah, here is the part of the show where we have the contractual ‘obviously a girl who is seen a bazillion times in the kingdom dressed as a male street urchin to avoid being detected’ scene. I mean, what’s with the paint on her pants?
Poppa can you hear me?
I’m not sure which scene is more tantalizing — the obvious play of uncle to get with niece and ‘show her she needs him to rule by her side’ or the King repeatedly getting his boils worked on by a teenaged ‘queen’. Instead of going too far into it, let’s change pace and get into a brothel. I mean, I you can’t take your brother’s daughter to a brothel what can you do? OK. I know we ‘knew it was coming’. I know they were building up to this. I know even for years we knew it was coming…and, yet, it didn’t make it any less creepy seeing it happen. Matt Smith is a blond. So weird! Oh, right and he just made out with his niece (the character not the actor).
Play the game of “name the person she’s about to shag” and win a bazillion electrons!
I know COVID time has weird effects but how many years/days/hours/minutes passed between her making out with her uncle to her undressing her bodyguard? I haven’t seen a woman jump from her ‘man’ to her bodyguard so quickly since JLo made out with Owen Wilson in that one move that not even the 12 hour plane ride I was on made me want to watch. You know the movie I’m talking about. It’s the one where she plays some music person and he says “wow”. Yeah. That one. Why so much typing about another movie right now? Well, if you are playing the home game you’d know that the girl we saw a few episodes as something like 12 years old is now naked with some dude in this episode. I’m not sure what angle HoD is going for, but that might explain their sponsor of Epstein Island Tours. Has to be a coincidence, right?
Just like the other coincidence of a royal laying with prostitute and having that prostitute have some sort of ‘major relationship’ with him. At this point I’m not sure if history repeats itself or if the writers accidentally handed in the transcripts to GoT by mistake.
If only Hallmark had a ‘SO I heard you slept with your uncle…’ card.
Speaking of mistakes–never give bad news to a guy dressed like this. Hey, your Grace…hope this finds you well. I am sorry to say as I was stalking your daughter, you know, the one that my daughter was besties with until you married her and had kids — great job on that by the way! — so, like I was saying I truly hope that you don’t mind that I found some disturbing things out about your daughter. I found her at a brothel with your brother. They were doing the funky train. Wha? What do you mean ‘What did I do when I saw this happen’? Ohhh you think I stopped them from having an incestuous baby? I uhhhh….guess I just watched them have sex and like you know definitely didn’t enjoy it or something? Anyway, thought you might wanted to have known. Here’s the video of it. No, that isn’t me going YEAH BABY GET SOME! when recording it. It must have been uhhhh…Look a child to marry!
Matt Smith has a great line: You are the fucking dragon who cares what other lords think? If only the King would take that advice. Instead, he’s back to being led by every rando lord and adviser without thinking about the validity of any claims for one second. Of course, the one guy that did shag his daughter is the person he least suspects.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Don’t tease things that you can’t bring off. Yeah yeah, so it looks like these show runners read the books of GRRM and like you know, made some sort of foreshadowing for what happens in the actual books instead of the series. Does this mean this series disavows most of the TV version of GoT? One can only hope.
Speaking of hope, it took a little girl to figure out that the Hand is the one throwing a wrench in the system. Maybe he can go the way of all Hands and find himself out of a job by death, poison, or crossbows in the toilet. Now we can see some of the cruel streak that only a person such as ‘Your Grace’ can have. So if he kills the Hand does that mean he is killing his father-in-law? I guess we will find out in…Five Days (maybe they didn’t have Amazon Prime back then?)
Well at least that is over. I’m glad the king took the side of his daughter and trusted her and definitely didn’t not believe her at all and like had an old guy give her the GoT equivalent of the morning after pill. Oh wait…
At least having no control over their own bodies happens to just fictional women of ‘long long ago’…
And with one rather weird fever dream, we wrap up another episode of ‘Are you sure it’s legal so show kids doing this?’ Come back next week to see which royalty will ‘snuggle’ which far far far far younger girl or boy in the never ending battle for the Iron Throne.
