Game of Thrones – Valar Morghulis

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The finale that makes us all sad. Hey, you didn’t think this story was just about the Starks, right? Well by now you should be fully aware that it’s not and a whole lot is about to go down. Like Sam when faced with a White Walker, but we’ll get to that.

Tyrion awakes to a full demotion and the knowledge that his sister totally tried to kill him. That’s not something that you want to hear when you wake up from having your face sliced in half. I mean, it’s not like his nose fell off…

Horse shit is what Tyrion thinks of his situation, which is exactly what Tywin has to offer when King Douche makes him the new Hand. Yeah, that will work out well. Joffery will definitely listen and Cersei won’t be pissed about just being Queen again. Margery the Flat-Chested Power Player puts on a good show of giving a fuck and the Lannisters eat it up. Poor Sansa is pushed aside but Littlefinger is quick to swoop in and creep us all out with his obsession with Cat. He’s almost hot. You know, he’s got that whole bad boy thing, but just under the surface you can tell he’s a total sociopath.

Varys lays some pipe with Roz. Not, you know literally. Well also not figuratively. You know what I mean! Roz has come to be a somewhat important character which is interesting as her roll in the books is quite, quite small. But I like a girl with moxie. Let’s see what happens to her.

Thelma and Louise, I mean Brienne and Jaime, Jaimienne, briefly stop by to make sure we didn’t forget about them. At least some dudes got killed. This episode had an amazingly low body count and boobie count. The moral here is don’t fuck with a seven foot tall woman, no matter what she looks like. Also, don’t give her a pop quiz cuz it’s not going to end well. For you.

For once, ONCE, Cat actually has some solid advice for Robb the Horny but it doesn’t matter cuz his dick is in love. He’s had enough duty and family and is doing what he wants.

Wait, how did Stannis get out of the Battle of Blackwater alive? Creepy red priestess is creepy and apparently into domination. Hey lady, whatever it takes.

You almost feel sorry for poor, lonely, misguided Theon. He should just run like the Maester told him to. At least he gives a rousing speech? Oh you shitty unhonorable Iron Islanders. What a bunch of jerks! I never want to go to Pyke! What a bunch of dick bags! No wonder no one likes them.

Varys visits Tyrion, who now can’t trust anyone, but Varys offers a truce by bringing Boring Shae to him. Dinklage’s weird accent is really starting to annoy me here. Is it supposed to be British? It’s so odd. Everyone makes their stands in this episode. Tyrion decides to play the game to the end. Shae stands by Tyrion. Theon decides to be a right shit. Robb decides to follow his dumb heart. Not necessarily for good reasons, but at least their choices seem informed by their places in the story.

ER MER GER! The House of the Undying is HERE! Wait. Wait. That was it!? Daenerys sees the Iron Throne in ruins, her dead hubby and lights a guy on fire. YOU GUYS. This part in the book is so fucking creepy and weird and this is just anticlimactic as shit. Where are the dead bodies? And the dwarves? And the FORESHADOWING??? Ugh. Not cool. I’m not happy with this.

Oh Jaqen. I just, I’m so sad. His debt is paid and he must be on his way. And Arya has things to do to. Take the coin and use it when it’s time. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Winterfell burns as the boys run to the North. Poor kids, their crappy castle is gone, their whole family is spread all over the place or dead, and now they gotta go on the run. Fricking Lannisters. Look! Direwolves! Remember when that was a thing?

Jon kills Halfhand, sacrificing himself so that Snow will be accepted in to the Wildlings. No one seems real happy about this turn of events, least of all Jon who looks like he’s about to throw up. Ygritte leads him on as we look at the amassed Wildlings for the first time. Bring on the giants!

Dany and the crew go to confront Xaro and lock him in his own bank! Dothraki style ransack! That’s gotta be a dub step song or something.

And then there are three horn blows. We know what that means. Oh shit run! Fucking White Walkers! Oh man, that is a lot of them. Makes the whole “I’m king, no I’m king, no I’m king” issue a little irrelevant, huh?

I dunno guys. I wasn’t blown away by this finale. And I HAVE been by other episoes. Stuff happened that needed to, paving the way for more, but I’m just not satisfied by it all. Can we srsly talk about making episodes next season two hours? Or even 90 minutes like frigging awesome Sherlock? There is too much that they are leaving out or changing or not making bad ass enough. Please HBO, you’re making your money back!

Predictions! There are going to be a lot of awkward Daenerys costumes at SDCC. Avert your eyes, starting now.




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