We start off in the Pyke, that horrible, grey island of jerks where it seems to be a constant pissing contest. Those Greyjoys are freaking nuts. But their clothes make them look like Fremen so I can get behind that. Balon continues to be a real dick to Theon about going soft. While I basically agree with his assessment, I think the dampness has gotten in his brain. Soon he’ll start yelling about bats or something. I liked his sister in the books much better, she seemed more bad ass and self assured. Here she is just kind of a crazy bitch.
Tyrion was super busy in this episode. He finds a place for his whore to hide in plain sight, even tho she is really starting to be annoying. Can’t he find someone to screw that doesn’t talk so much? He also smokes out a rat on the Small Council. I would say he found THE rat, but he’s in a sea of rats and found the one who jumped first for some cheese, or a pizza crust. He also really pissed off Cersei! Points for that! Smart little half man.
Sansa continues her act as the resident castle mannequin. Yeah, yeah, I know she’s in shock and is just trying to survive her hostage situation but she’s just, so, blerg.
Renly turns down some sweet titty action from Anne Boleyn, I mean, Margaery Tyrell. Clearly this Baratheon is all about the LGBT community. His boy toy Loras is a super twink, I mean “Knight of Flowers”? Come on. Then Brienne kicks his ass as only a 7-foot-tall warrior goddess could do. Holy crap that chick is HUGE! Where did they find her? Is she from Amazonia and ready to kill with Snu Snu!? I definitely would go to a gay bar with her for Ladies Night and sing karaoke, maybe a duet of “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart”. Can’t you see it!?
The road to the Wall takes a terrible turn for Arya when Gold Cloaks arrive to take Gendry. Yoren refuses to hand him over and is killed while all the younglings try to fight. It doesn’t go well.
Predictions! I dream about singing “Say My Name”, as made famous by Destiny’s Child, with Brienne at The Mint. We win a trophy.