HBO has lead us to expect Game of Thrones to be sexy show. So this episode kicks off with Jon Snow noticing that he is a very fit zombie. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the excellent performance from Kit Harrington’s personal trainer. I mean, last season, Kit Harrington had gotten so chubbo that I rolled my eyes every time the wildlings would make reference to how pretty Jon Snow is. Maybe the hot bod is a special effect, like the dragons (which were sadly absent this episode), but, either way, this was the sexiest this episode got, so I’m going to give thanks for it. When Jon Snow puts on some pants and emerges, foxy redhead Tormund Giantsbane makes fun of his pecker. (Jon Snow is dressed at this point, but Tormund saw it earlier.) Now let’s move on.
Next up is Sam puking in a bucket at sea. (Not hot.) He wants to take his wildling girlfriend and sort of stepson to hang out with his family. That girl is going to have to learn how to eat with the correct fork for the dish at hand, like immediately.
Bran’s visions with the tree people are getting more and more into his family’s history. He sees his father and various bannermen and soldiers going to rescue Auntie Liana from a tower. (Very cool scenic design on the tower.) Eddard Stark is fighting this foxy knight who is totally ambidextrous with two swords. Bran notices that his dad is really not the better swordsman in this match-up. Backstabbing ensues. Eddard heads up the tower steps. Bran wants to see what is in the tower, but his tree dude spirit guide is a dick and pulls him out of the vision. (Is Liana in the tower as an assaulted prisoner or is this whole war based on her maybe preferring someone to Robert Baratheon and running off with a paramour?)
Daenerys Targaryen is having the continuation of her losing streak. The Dothraki take her to the Old Khaleesis home. The other old khaleesis can’t just hand her an appropriate outfit. Nope, it is HBO, so they have to strip her against her will, for no apparent reason. (Not hot.) Looks like Daenerys may have to face some kind of tribunal for having struck out on her own, after Khal Drogo died, and not heading straight for the Old Chicks home.
Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen’s advisors Tyrion and Varys are trying to gain intelligence about who is opposing her in Mereen. The answer is basically all the wealthy slaver cities surrounding Mereen. Pretty much who you’d expect. Varys makes some interesting points about understanding the rebel prostitute’s perspective. She feels that a foreign queen, supported by foreign soldiers, is trying to destroy her country’s history. Meanwhile, Tyrion is finding the Unsullied military leader and the translator, who are also advisors to Daenerys, to make poor companions for conversation or drinking.
Then everyone on the Small Council acts like total dicks to Cersei and Jaime Lannister. Even though it seems like they should all be on the same side, against the High Sparrow. The High Sparrow spouts some True Believer crazy person rhetoric at King Tommen. Looks like Cersei may still have to face some kind of tribunal. (Ooh, parallel structure.) Because the High Sparrow thinks parading her naked through the city was, ya know, not enough.
Arya graduates from her grade in ninja school! Now she can whack that mean girl with a stick. Also, she can see again. Some people seem to have fallen off her list of who she is going to kill, but, now that she is getting all super ninja, things may go poorly for those left on the list.
Rickon Stark and his wildling nanny (and the severed head of his dire wolf) are delivered as fealty gifts to the new Lord Bolton. The old Lord Bolton gets called the C word a lot. Which is humorous for both show viewers and the characters on screen.
And Jon Snow, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, hangs the core brain trust who stabbed him to death. Then he hands off his nice black cloak and steps down, saying now his watch is ended. Ooh, the man makes a good point. The Night’s Watch oath is until death and he already died. Maybe I am being a D&D rules lawyer here, but I don’t think he is an oathbreaker in this regard now. His aforementioned pecker might have been involved in some oathbreaking with Ygritte, but that was like seasons ago.
