And now. The HBO Original Series: Game of Thrones. As usual. After last week’s nauseating end of episode, I’m feeling a little bit tense about this week. As you may know if you’ve been keeping up with GoT on online media (which, by virtue of being here right now, you very likely are) every possible kind of shit hit the fan after what the writers did with Sansa’s storyline. Frankly I’m right there with everyone boycotting in spirit. In practice, I gotta’ be around to write these lovely updates for you lovely people, so here we are again. I just want to make sure it is known that I’m very much not happy with the behavior of the writers, and henceforth am considering every bit of Sansa Stark’s (oh yes, Stark, in no way, shape, or form, will I refer to her as a Bolton) storyline to be part of some dreadful, juvenile, terribly written bit of alternate universe drivel on fanfiction.net. So there.
This week we see Jon Snow preparing to ride off into the fray, rounding up the Wildlings. Sam gives him a dragonglass weapon and a hug.
Sansa and Reek have a horrendously tense scene. Ramsay has apparently been keeping Sansa locked in a tower. I have a hard time buying that she went so badly cowed so quickly. All the same, she verbally smacks Reek into action, convincing him to help her summon aid – shout out to the random old lady a few episodes back who assured Sansa that “The North Remembers”and organized a candle lighting system with her. However Reek goes to Ramsay. Did he squeal? Can’t tell yet. But I can tell you that snitches get stitches.
Back at Wall one of the final members of a dynasty lies dying. Aemon Targaryan draws his last breath in some confusion. He takes Gilly’s baby for his little brother, Aegon – called “Ëgg”. He seems to forget himself in the last moments, saying “Oh, Egg, I dreamed I was old!” Ouch. My heart. His watch ends and he is cremated.
Sansa and Ramsay have a little chat in the snow. She’s taller than him. I love that. Sansa plays the game so well, she’s clearly learned a thing or two. She also knows enough to pick up a rock on her walk. She suggests that Ramsay’s status as a bastard – even a claimed one – makes his claims to his titles weak. But oh dear, look at that. Turns out Reek DID squeal. The old woman who promised to help Sansa got the Bolton treatment. Oh, Sansa. Baby. Reek and Ramsay better pray they never run into me in a dark alley, because I would make the Bolton treatment look like a manicure.
Stannis is snowbound. Ser Davos is the voice of reason, The Red Woman… not so much. She suggests to Stannis that they need more king’s blood to ensure victory. She suggest, moreover, that Shireen has that blood in her veins. Stannis doesn’t go for it, luckily. Child sacrifice is apparently not cool when it’s his kid.
The writers are gross. Two members of the Night’s Watch attempt to assault Gilly, threatening her and trying to get her to kiss them. Oh Gilly, honey, who hasn’t been in that kind of situation? Makes my stomach turn. Sam comes in to save her and they beat him soundly. But he gets back up while the writers continue to attempt to use rape as a plot device. The appearance of Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, scares them off. Sam faints and looks to be in bad shape. Gilly gets him back to bed and cleans him up. Sam has a defining moment as he insists he’ll always take care of Gilly and her baby. Because Benioff and Weiss don’t know how to do character development without using sexual violence against a female character to create manpain and develop a male character’s story-line! Are they honestly getting paid for this drivel? Anyway. Gilly and Sam hook up. It’s, predictably, awkward.
Jorah is sold off with great fanfare. Tyrion, not one to be left alone, beats the shit out of a guard in order to go with Jorah’s new buyer. Tyrion baby I do so adore you and your big mouth, even when it’s getting smacked.
The beautiful mother of dragons is in bed with the beautiful leader of the mercenary bands. So much pretty. So few clothes. He’s jealous, though, and suggests Dany go ahead and kill off the surviving masters of Mereen. It’s not a bad suggestion.
Olyenna Tyrell has it out with the High Sparrow. Beautiful scene back lit by the star window. Scenery porn for days. The Sparrow is deep and it’s clear that even the Queen of Thorns is feeling uneasy. “When the many stop fearing the few…” he says, trailing off mysteriously. Olyenna receives a message sealed in black wax and looks stressed out. I don’t blame her.
Tommen and Cersei are having a hard time. Tommen is frustrated at his inability to come to Margery’s rescue. But Cersei is getting her way and for such a master manipulator, wrapping her little boy around her finger is nothing.
Myrcella has grown up into a lovely young woman and good lord I WANT that dress like burning. She tells her uncle/father that he doesn’t know who she is. And she has a fair point. She’s lived in Dorne for years now. She has a plan, she has a future. You really can’t blame her for not wanting to dash off to a home that sent her away in the first place.
In a scene that rendered me drop-jawed and utterly unable to type for a moment, Bronn sang a naughty song regarding Dornishmen while in lockup, along with the Sand Snakes. One of the Snakes challenges him to suggest she isn’t the most beautiful woman in the world. As she shows more and more of her skin, he becomes less and less able to think straight. I am right there with you, buddy. Dear god. She’s a stunner. She also has poisoned Bronn and holds the only antidote. She lets him have it but only after he admits she’s the fairest in the land. Yes, ma’am.
Littlefinger and the Queen of Thorns have a chat in his ruined brothel. It does make me miss Littlefinger’s banter with Varys back in the day.
Tyrion and Jorah suit up for a qualifying round of fights that will, hopefully, eventually, take them all the way to the grand fighting pits in Mereern – their chance to see the queen. Only today must be their lucky day, because Dany is there to see these fights, too! Jorah watches her from a window, shocked into staring. Unfortunately for him, Dany is grossed out by the bloodsport – understandable – and wants to ditch early. Jorah won’t let her leave without him and charges out into the fray. Dany, looking like a complete goddess clad in white, watches as Jorah (in a helm) whups everyone else right out of the melee. Tyrion tries to bust himself out of his chains to try and catch up, gets busted by a large man, large man ends up helping out.
Jorah removes his helm. Dany is making that “oh fuck not this fucker” face. She tries to have him dragged off, but he insists he has a gift for her. The gift is Tyrion, who dashes out and presents himself. Dany’s face is three kinds of “what the fuck”. Mine would be too.
Cersei goes to vist Margery in the dungeon and is so very gracious. She brings her leftovers. Aw, shucks, Cersei, a doggy bag. You shouldn’t have. Margery manages to fling shade from shackles, it’s impressive. Unfortunately, Cersei goads Margery into having an outburst, which both of them know means Cersei won. She grins to herself as she walks away to see the High Sparrow. He gives a lecture on being too ornate, and what happens when you strip away the finary. He tells her of Lancel’s confessions, his stripping away of his sins. And those sins very directly involve Cersei herself. The sparrows take Cersei prisoner and throw her in a dungeon cell of her own. Oh how the worm turns.
