Theon just can’t catch a break with his bitch ass sister. She rides in on her high horse and just can’t be happy for him at all. But, she does have a point. Yeah, you took Winterfell but it ain’t gonna do you any good cuz everyone hates you and it’s far from the sea and anyone who cares about you. That’s a very short list and it’s only getting shorter.
In the frozen north, The Lord of Bones, who is Mance Rayder’s right hand man, isn’t too keen on seeing Jon Snow, as they already have a Crow, good ol Halfhand. Ygritte is a true Wildling woman and gives him shit like a mom yelling at her kids in Walmart. Do you think his bone mask keeps his face warm like a balaclava?
Robb sorta flirts with his nurse. He’s not very good at it, he’s too good and concerned about justice. We get it, you’re the good guy, but you’re boring as all hell. What a surprise when he finds out that Mommy Dearest let Jaime go to trade for her other kids. Oh Cat, you try so hard but nobody really likes you.
And the saga of Brienne and Jaime begins. I can see them singing “Islands in the Stream” now. What could go wrong?!
Tywin has a powwow and yells some more, he knows Stannis is close to King’s Landing and plans to move out, with Arya staying behind. You’d think she’d be happy about that, but panics and looks for Jaqen but can’t find him. He needs a beeper or something.
Bronn, Tyrion and Vyrs have some amusing banter with Bronn being the voice of reason, oddly enough. I like Bronn, he’s balls to the wall, doesn’t care about titles, just getting the job done.
The Black Brothers dig in the snow and find dragonglass from long ago. This seems totally random, if you don’t know what’s going on. There hasn’t been any mention about what Sam and his team are doing or why or where. Dragonglass? Sure! Cuz, that thing, with the First Men, and the…
A man has patrol duty. A man needs to take his shirt off. First I was all…
Then I was all…
And Arya thinks she’s all….
Arya is a total jerk and gives Jaqen his own name as her final death. This displeases him and me. Don’t be a twat Arya. She says she’ll take it back if he helps her escape. He begrudgingly agrees. It doesn’t seem so smart to piss off a known assassin. Maybe that’s just me.
Cersei and T-Dog have their daily dinner with a side of fighting. C is so delusional about her dumb kids and her roll in all the shenanigans. C tries to control T by confessing that she’s found his whore and will beat her if Joffrey is harmed in the impending battle. But in true Cersei fashion, she messes up and she thinks Roz is T’s Rent-A-Whore, not Shae.
Lord S&M tells Robb that he will send his bastard to Winterfell to take it back. Robb sounds big and bad but he doesn’t have the stomach for what needs to be done. He’s too busy thinking about hearts and puppy dogs with Nurse Betty. Let’s give a round of applause for some side boob action, finally. Getting freaky on the floor makes more sense than on a map table covered in action figures.
Hey, where are the direwolves? We haven’t seen them in a while.
In true professionalism, Jaqen delivers and Arya, Gendry and Hot pie walk out of fucking Harrenhall easy peasy. I dunno where they think they’re going, but whatevs.
There were a ton of short scenes at the end cuz they’re trying to cram way too much story into 10 episodes. Let’s see: Davos is moving on up, much to his surprise. Poor Mormont loves Dany but is afraid of her. That is her ONLY scene this episode. Osha is seen by the Maester, and follows, figuring out that the kids are hiding in the tombs in Winterfell and never ran away at all. Those poor orphan kids. Well now that that’s sorted, it was just a big misunderstanding!
Predictions! Jaqen gets his own spinoff, “Help Wasn’t Promised” where he shows up at peoples’ houses but doesn’t do anything. It’s super funny in my head.
