House of Dragon S1E1: The Doctor is….In

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As HBO launches their second attempt (or was that third?) at the Game of Thrones franchise, we have one single question on our minds: will this fall under the prequel curse (ala Star Wars movies) or shed new light (no pun) on a franchise (ala uhhhh Star Wars cartoons).

First, we have a deeper question–just who plays the invisible man?! Is it the 9th Doctor?! Boy that would be meta.

The invisible man gets some foreplay going…

If you wonder what Matt Smith’s been up to besides the other award-winning shows, then wonder no longer! Behold his Timelordship’s new hairstyle (Notice how he doesn’t have a man-bun? Message!). May your hair ever be flowy and your gift to your niece ever be rather really creepy. Like stalker hair-doll level creepy.

Hey lil sister…let me help you with your uhhh neck.

You know you’re old when you find yourself bent over and a bunch of guys are looking at your backside. There comes a time in every guy’s life where we pick our doctors by the size of their fingers. I guess kings are no different. Unless this is just not what we all thought was happening but rather a very nasty oozing pus wound, but enough about what I thought of the ending to GoT.

Hey Doc, just how many fingers are ya using?!

Never let a Time Lord do a King Slayer’s job! Oh boy. The 12th Doctor sure does have some anger issues. But, unlike Lannister, at least he isn’t having sex with his uhhh…well…like yet or something? I mean that one ‘turn around as I put this necklace on you’ scene sorta gave weird vibes. Speaking of vibes, I hope he has one close by since that ‘friendly woman’ doesn’t look all too pleased. (Note: I am watching with a friend and when she saw Matt Smith topless she let out an audible gasp. CGI trickery!!!!) Unfortunately, our SFW policy won’t let me show you the Doctor plowing the fields.

Speaking of sowing the seed, this couple with a ‘definitely won’t die in the first few episodes, I mean just because they are getting the support of the crowd to overthrow the king if his heir doesn’t take command’ look on their faces should make for an interesting set-up for something.

The Queen that Never Was? Wasn’t that the title to Freddie Mercury’s third album?

As the tournament rages on, we find out that the McGuffin…errmm…baby about to be born is causing the queen some pain. If only there were some sort of method to remove the baby or at least a way to turn the head. Darn it, GRRM! Why haven’t you thought of…wait? What? Oh right. I think they call this method the Ned Stark.

Meanwhile…boy that’s a big lance. I’m not saying he is overcompensating for anything, but Clara must have left quite a mark on him.

Meanwhile, we see the king with his pregnant wife as he tells her ‘don’t be scared’ whilst people tie her down and get sharp pointy objects. Note to self: None of the kings in GoT universe are good people. I mean, just because this is a bazillion years before antibiotics and the concept of sterilization, it doesn’t mean things will go terribly terribly wrong. *cough*

Congratulations, your Grace. You are newly single. So delete that Ashley Madison account and let your ‘freak flag fly’ with that Tinder.

Burn baby, burn. Looks like not only dragons can fly, breathe fire, and understand commands, but also know exactly where to aim ‘n flame. Looks like we are back to square one with the next in line for the throne with a choice between a woman, a brother, and a child. If only the child’s back were broken so we would know who truly deserves to rule all of the lands. Too bad there isn’t a fourth, more compelling, choice.

All Hail President Sparky!

As we wrap up this episode, more questions appear than we have answers. Will the king have sex with the girl? If so–which girl? Will his brother have sexy-time with the girl? Will the girl become her friend’s new mommy? Will Trenzalore fall? Will they tease the White Walkers as the ultimate bad guy ever in GoT lore and definitely not a side-quest? (sigh) Will the Defense of the Dark Arts…ermm… Hand of the King remain a cursed position? All this and more on the next episode of (checks notes)…Game of Crowns Who Drag-on.

See you next Tuesday, said his brother to the king.

 




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