It’s that time again, time to turn John Oliver off in mid sentence and pray HBO hasn’t blocked my VPN…yet.
Sansa’s sewing lessons finally pay off as she threads through some leather. Hopefully, she’s practicing for Little Finger’s junk. We see Little Finger try to talk his way out of selling Sansa to the Misfit (oddly, he was my least favorite there, too) Ramsay Bolton. Instead of getting his thing cut off, he gets in her head. Not in the sexy way like Jay Z, but more like a really gross still manipulative way like a Shawn Carter way.
Her head is what we see Arya about to lose in a Bo staff fight against an unarmed little girl. The Many Faced god and Arya is one of the more interesting story arcs in the show. Of all of the characters, I think Arya is the most complex. Jon Snow is close second, but Jon Snow doesn’t keep a ‘kill list’ or live in a house full of Cher masks.
In a very weird showing, Arya gets to relive some rather…okay, I was not prepared for male frontal nudity close ups. They need to put a warning label on this and the joke about HPV aka the rising cause of cervical cancer falls rather flat.
Back in the tree fort, we see the Children of the Forest being everything they were never said to be and creating the first White Walkers. So much (wait, did Bran just use the word Whom? The hizzle?) for them being innocents.
Kingsmoot time. This is the writer of the series going against the writer of the novel right here. When they go off script, it usually ends in disaster. This time, it just ends in not giving a care. Yes, I know, I was originally stoked to see this story line. But, that was before I saw the writing in action. Sorry, I should care. I should live this new plot, but it just falls flat..so far we’ve got less than 30 minutes and three dick jokes. Oops, four. The fourth came whilst writing that sentence. Apparently, all one needs to rule the Iron Born are a few dick jokes. If three dick jokes makes you king, then the Drowned God must be Kevin Smith.
I never thought I’d say this, but…thank God for Daenerys. Just when the show had me out comatose from a combo of crappy writing and plot holes the size of Hodor’s weiner, we are saved by Ser Grayscale and Ser NotFrancis (Deadpool got the OG one). I feel bad for Ser Jorah Mormont. Greyscale is horrible, but I guess he can always retire back in Downton Abbey.
Tyrion has an idea to bring a priestess of the Lord of the Light. This is rather interesting because the prophecy of fire made flesh comes back in the form of Daenarys. I see she is wearing a choker like Melisandre of Asshai. I wonder how hideous she is without it. Varus gets his tea leaves read by the priestess. This is a very interesting call back to an ignored plot line from the novel.
Okay, so if you were Bran, at what point would you start to wonder why people can see him in his visions? The white Walker army is coming and it’s time for Bran to make like a tree and leave.
Castle Black is back. Jon, Davos, Sansa, and Brienne get together to plot the sequel to Robb’s war. I love Gwendoline Christie in this. The writers nail Brienne and she makes the character her own.
Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor. Wow, the entire tire White Walker Army? Yeah, they’re Hodored. So, if the infinitely wise Children made the White Walkers, how did they miss seeing the army turn on them? Plus, with all that power, did they really need to summon an undead army? At what point did they think the missiles they could shoot from their fingers weren’t enough to take on men?
And Summer gets sacrificed for nothing. I’m not sure why the writers felt that was necessary. Maybe they ran out of dick jokes?
We all have our Deal Breaker people. Tyrion, Arya, and Hodor were mine. All I know is, if I read the next novel and Hodor doesn’t die in it, I will kick these writers in the nuts at Comic Con and/or Tim Horton’s.
Oh, Hodor, we hardly knew ye.
