Tyrion is running out of friends and time as his trial by combat draws near. The Mountain finally rears his ugly head as champion for the Crown, which scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. Bron is not in any hurry to run into the ring to die and Tyrion can’t blame him. Shit, no one can. Such a sad parting of ways. We love you Bron! You thieving bastard!
And Arya and the Hound continue their journey of blood and dirt, like a Swedish Deathmetal fest. They show mercy to a farmer amongst his rubble and are ambushed by the shittiest duo ever. One bites the Hound right in the neck and once the other gives Arya his name, she stabs him in the heart with needle. She’s learning. It’s so sad to see The Hound so vulnerable trying to sew up his poor neck wound and Arya trying to help her adopted father. I love them together so much. Burning Bridges Tour FOREVER!
On The Wall, Jon reports and gives recommendations that fall on deaf ears. If some dude tells you a whole shit ton of Wildlings and goddamn giants are coming, what the hell are you going to do? Think to yourself, gee, that’s new, maybe we should do something about that? OR say nah, the way we’ve been doing things has been working just fine for hundreds of years? Yeah, I know only three out of like twenty goddamn castles along the wall are manned but shit, what’s the worst that can happen? You dumb, Alliser!
You guys! Dany got a new outfit! Daario doest his best at wooing Dany, but she ain’t gonna spread for no roses. No, wait, she totally did. Can’t blame her tho. She makes two men happy that day and Jorah couldn’t be prouder that she finally listens to him. Aww, that’s sweet.
Melisandre has some pert boobies! Queen Sour Face is all kinds of awkward and finally gets around to the point. She doesn’t want the princess with them when they sail for whatever the hell they’re doing, but Melisandre says the LORD OF LIGHT needs her. That’s probably not a good thing.
Look! It’s Hot Pie! Brienne and Pod stop in for kidney pie and are adorable. Hot Pie won’t shut up like usual but when Queen B spills the beans about looking for Sansa, he runs off like a scared girl. Later, he gives them a tip about Arya and an awesome bread direwolf. Adorbz! And B should play smug more often, it looks good on her.
Prince Oberyn visits Tyrion and tells him a most horrible tale from their collective youths involving Cersei. Poor Tyrion, you’ve gotten the fuze end of the lollipop your whole life. But Oberyn is here to fight for you. Dude, this gonna be cray.
Sansa builds a Winterfell out of snow but because she can never have anything nice, shitty Lord Robin comes along and wrecks it. Fuck that kid. And then LF makes everything awkward and makes a move on her. She did not see that coming when everyone else did. Sansa, girl, wake up and smell the Moon Door. Can I tell you I’ve been waiting for that crazy bitch to fly this whole season? I don’t know how LF is going to mitigate this. In the books he had a patsy so we’ll have to see what happens.
There’s only three episodes left. That’s not enough! Damnit HBO! How come “Arrow” has 23 goddamn ridiculous episodes in a season and we only get ten from you?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
