HBO, the only cable source driven enough to let a ginger giant(bane) of a bloke boldly claim, ‘Dick. I like it.’ We start this episode with a lot of brave men walking out beyond the wall to get a sample of the undead. Why? Because it never occurred to anyone to just kill someone and take their body back as it shifts. We all know there is a sense that anyone–red shirt or not–can get killed on this show, so why chance it? Like Cersei will give crap one that they have an undead person with them (Just WTF is the Mountain now? Isn’t he undead? Which brings up a rather interesting subject of just how the heck is he not a white walker type–or is he?). I digress, but I still think it is better to kill off one of them red shirts and save yourself some troubles.
During this walk:
1) The North is not the South which is not the North.
2) Gingers like Dick.
3) Gendry is a prison ho (Remember, folks, the safe word is ‘Violet’.)
4) The Hound has a thing for Brienne.
There is also a mutual admiration with most of the fellowshi…er….group walking to a destination that they could have flown to…. Jon and Jorah exchange stories about daddies. Jon tries to give him back the sword of his father and Jorah is all like ‘man, you already carved your name on it! You keep that!’ and Jon is all like ‘No way, man! I don’t feel right because like my dead father figure I am all about honor!’ and Jorah is all like ‘dude, I brought shame into my house–I broke my father’s heart. You keep this, boyyyyy!’. Then Jon is all like, cool, ’cause White Walkers can be killed by it but it’s not like we’re walking into a den of 1000000 white walkers or nothing so thanks for the gift.’
We cut to: Arya killing Sansa. Oops! Wrong episode. I mean, Arya talking to Sansa about shooting a bow. Apparently, Bran was a prat even before we were introduced to him. Tis’ a touching story–one where we are reminded of the differences between Arya (Wolverine) and Sansa (ummm…Cyclops?). One is all snickity snik and the other is all princess gowns and ballroom dances. Arya drops the Littlefinger bomb (wru Bran with saying ‘hey man, I see everything, I think this Littlefinger guy is a dick!’ ‘Dick? I like dick!’. Seriously, for a three eyed raven, Bran is really dropping the ball here.). Sansa sounds like a she’s a throw back from Season 1 with this attitude. Nothing like a sibling rivalry to get things interesting. Now, we all know Cersei would kill Jaime in a second if it meant her promotion, but would Sansa or Arya? (Note: I think Jaime Darth Vaders this crap and tosses Cersei into her own porthole.)
The Hound and Tormund have some water cooler chat. We find out that Tormund likes pussy and dick. Tormund is rather intelligent and so is the Hound. The banter goes well to loosen the grip of death this episode seems to be coated in. Beric and Jon bond. A lot of this is exposition and it works rather well. Exposition is necessary for film and it can come like the Mummy (good lord, that was horrible…wtf was that?) or like The Big Short (a creative brilliant use of it). Here we have the Canterbury Tales type with our traveling companions. For those of us new to the show (the hell are you watching Season 7!?! Seriously! The show is only fun when you see almost everyone you care for die!), it fills them in and for those of us faithful few (millions) it is a reminder of just wtf happened six years ago since, well, everyone we cared about tends to die at such a rate things blur.
Jon Snow? I don’t like him! I can’t stand his hairless beefy chest and the way his eyes pierce my soul – Daenerys. Tyrion talks some sense into her. I haven’t seen a woman this blind to her own attraction since Phoebe didn’t jump on Joey. Ever wonder why the character who is so out there be the least promiscuous of the bunch? Just like Phoebe, Tyrion brings up the subject of death and who rules after Danny is gone. Now, my theory here–the ‘curse’ is that she is the mother of dragons, right? Technically, her and Jon could have kids. They are–dragons–speaking metaphorically. It’s not like any royal family ever not married and procreated within their family blood lines. Besides, who doesn’t want to see these two together? Throw Tyrion in for good measurement and I sense a Burning Angel spin off!
Back to the white. An undead bear and one dead red shirt. The wonder twins activate the power of their sword and the Hound jumps into action. By action, I mean he freezes up because the bear, much like the roof, is on fire. The brave red priest of whisky is down and it seems like the boys have their undead for them. We all knew someone had to die and it looks like a red shirt or two plus a priest are it for this episode. Unless Jon does something stupid or Danny does or Arya kills Sansa or…
Speaking of Sansa, she narks on Arya to Littlefinger. Just when you think she can stand on her own two feet, in comes her character driven stupidity. Her and Cersei are a match made in heaven. Both make some rather horrible decisions based on their own insecurities. For this conversation, I’m not sure which is more upsetting–Littlefinger is still alive or Sansa has slipped back into her Season 1 ways.
We’re back to the White again. We also find out that if you kill a white walker, the undead beneath it all die (except the one you need, of course). We also learn that the army of the dead has a looooooot of extras cast in it. We lose the last of our redshirts (I think?) as he breaks through the ice, saving his fellowship. It’s at this moment, I wonder if they will use those fire swords to, you know, keep warm, or if those are just for a cool battle? It seems like we never get the chance to find out as our group of heroes (plus at least one more redshirt) await in a frozen circle while Gendry runs back to momma Davos (anyone else reminded of Luke here?).
Meanwhile, Sansa gets an invite to King’s Landing. Yes! Sansa can finally realize her true potential and step-up to the plate! Her she is, coming back to King’s Landing! She’s going to make Cersei pa…oh, right. She’s sending Brienne instead because, why not. She dismissed the accusation against Littlefinger almost as quickly as she dismisses the need for Pod to stay to guard her. She is right about one thing though, Littlefinger won’t touch her. I think he still wants them digits and he’s going to get what he wants. He is, after all, a pimp (or did you forget that from Season 1?).
Danny goes to save Jon. She takes three dragons because nothing at all bad will ever happen to them, right? Not that it hasn’t been teased since the start of the show. She takes them just in time, though, as Jon n company get bum rushed by a legion of undead. It’s one of those grab you by the short and curly moments as this fight goes into extra innings. Another red shirt bites it and…DOWN GOES THE GINGER!! Wildling down! It looks like the gods of GRRM demanded another sacrifice and Tormond is it. Poor Tormond, we hardly knew…the Hound with the save! It looks like the Hound likes a man who likes dick!
I won’t say what happens blow by blow, but let’s just say our heroes know they are screwed. The only person to save them now is a Mother of All Dragons. Does Danny save them in time? Does Jon sacrifice himself again? Does the Lord of Ligh…oh, snap! That’s right! This is an hour episode. Woot.
The dragon’s come in the nick of time and Danny saves the day. I mean, just because a White Walker looks at her dragon going ‘hey, nice ride! Mind if I try?’ doesn’t mean anything predictably bad will happen to her or her dragon, right? I Mean, it’s not like they’ve been teasing this for a few episodes (the downfall of the dragon). The king of the undead is given an ice lance and–someone check that boy for steroids–what a shot! If you ever wanted to see a dragon die, now’s the time (if you ever want to see a dragon resurrected–my money is on the King bringing him back for his own mount, right?). We see the heroes have a weakness. Nobody likes Superman–we like Ironman instead because one of them has a weakness. The same goes for the Game of Thrones. If Danny was this invincible god, then this would be a rather short (pointless) and boring series. It’s interesting because bad things can happen to good people (or dragons). Jon sacrifices himself again and that is almost gone unnoticed with the gravity of the dragon’s death. I mean, a dead dragon submerged beneath all that ice? What? The White Walkers going to somehow whip out a massive chain or two they’ve been carrying around for no particular reason and then dredge that dragon back up to turn it? How completely stupid would that be?
Jon’s uncle saves the day, one last time. My question is–can his uncle be turned? What happens to a dead man who gets killed by the walkers? What happens when his uncle is touched by the King? Would that magic work? Cancel itself out? Or?
Those questions will have to wait as we see things wrap up on the southside of the northside. Danny looks sad–is she sad for her dragon or is she waiting around for Jon? Would it make sense to wait for a man you saw pulled down in the middle of the horde (zug zug)? Either way, she’s there and here he comes!
We interrupt this happy reunion with another family reunion–that of Sansa finding a crapload of faces in Arya’s bags. Arya takes the dagger from the table and….here it comes…bye-bye Sansa!!!! Take THAT!! Or just hand her the dagger by the handle. All that psychological build up over nothing. Arya trades a few barbs with Sansa and this either shows how big of a psychopath she has become or some really really deep-seated dislike for Sansa and all she stands for. Arya has a point, though, if people like Sansa (pretty dresses and all) didn’t put that in front of actual people then this show wouldn’t have started. The king would still be a Stag and Cersei would be dead–or heck, the king would be a dragon and the queen would be a Stark.
It looks like we end with two relatives taking to each other, holding hands and almost kissing. Danny wastes no time getting him naked and seeing that Jon really did take a dagger to the fricken heart for his men. He also takes this moment to prove how great a leader he is by bending the knee. We all know Danny is driven and so is Jon–it’s amazing to see them not kiss but, hey, at least it’s a start.
Jon bends the knee–Danny’s heart melts a bit–they both swear vengeance (SWEAR!) on the true King of the North, the undead dude (not my warrior in WoW who used to tank in Dredmist with a flaming broom, but an actual undead dude).
Wow! So many deaths! So many questions! So many…wait…where the heck would they get those chains? Yes, we all knew this was coming, but at least pretend you didn’t have to shove that in without at least a bit of spit on the tip, yeah? It just got real, son! Does this mean Cersei’s dragon killer will come in handy for an alliance? What about the two remaining dragons? Do they fight their brother? Does Danny still have some control over them? Does she get burnt alive? Can she even get burnt alive–even if it is the undead dragon breath?
Another great episode from the Game of Thrones. The dragons are about to be unleashed with Danny’s wrath and the world will burn. It all comes down to ash. Don’t you love how ash feels around you? I love ash. Ash is what Danny is going to bring to the world–when the superpowers of Fire and Ice unite, Ash will come!
All this and more in the next episode (and last of the season!) of the Game of Thrones.
