Wow you guys, what HAPPENED with this episode? This shit went off the rails, and not in a good way. I’m not sure I like these changes that are happening from the books. In the past seasons, there has been some condensing of stories, characters written out, but this…. Well let’s just start.
NITB! Grey Worm is attempting to learn the Common Tongue from his crush but she ain’t having it. Dany takes the Mereen by infiltrating from the sewers and arming the slaves, encouraging them to revolt. And they do! Toot sweet and ta-dah! Now Dany has this city too! Man, that took a whole lot longer in the books and way more shit happened. Anyway, Dany decides to crucify the masters just how they did with the slave children. And then she’s all, “Yeah, bitches, this my shit too!” with a huge Targaryean flag thrown over the great harpy.
Lefty and Bronn fight it out, and in a great moment Jaime gets bitch slapped with his own hand. Bronn is still my favorite and guilts Jaime to visit Tyrion in jail. They both feel a bit sorry for each other but can’t do anything to help the other. It doesn’t look good for Tyrion but at least Jaime is on his side.
Sansa is on her way to the Eyrie with Little Finger who puffs out his chest and talks a good if not totally crazy game. Sansa tries to figure out if LF really killed Joff, since she doesn’t believe him but there’s no figuring out LF.
The Roses have a leisurely stroll and chat about killing kings. The true culprit of Joff’s poisoner is a little more vague in the books, but I guess they don’t want anyone to miss that it was totally ol Grandma Hard Ass. Oh Margery, don’t look so shocked. At Oleana’s suggestion, Margery swoops in on Tommen before Cersei turns him against her. I’m really glad Ser Pounce makes an appearance.
Lord Snow tries to train some Crows but Commander Lemon Face puts a stop to it and is a general asshat. Jon convinces some of the Brothers to help raid Craster’s Keep, which is also totally NITB! What? Why? Huh? This is a weird departure! All the Brothers of The Watch really look like hungover Deathmetal fans. Locke, Roose Bolton’s undercover agent, shows up and cozies up with Jon, trying to figure out where the remaining Stark boys are hiding.
Drunk ass Cersei puts Lefty in his place but in a rather calm way, which makes her seem even crazier. I guess after last week’s rape/not rape, she’s not doing so great in the brain meats.
Jaime gives Brienne, the Valaryian sword, awesome new armor and Pod! Jaime is only sympathetic when he’s with Brienne and he tasks her to find Sansa and keep her safe, away from Cersei’s grasp. Oh Brienne, you have really terrible taste in men.
Okay you guys, this is when the shit hits the fan. Somehow, Bran ends up at Craster’s and gets captured by Karl the Creep. This is bananas. What are you guys doing? If you weren’t a fan of last weeks rape you won’t be a fan of the sad state of affairs at Craster’s, that’s for sure. Jojeen looks super sweaty and has a siezure. Craster’s final son is born and all the chicks go pod people crazy and say he’s a “GIFT FOR THE GODS”. Alright, ladies, calm down. Karl makes Rast leave the mewling baby as an offering and gives everyone the creeps. Guh. Then ye olde Wighty snatches him up and off he goes on his zombie horse.
Da fuq is that Whitewalker taking that baby? Off to the Fortress of Solitude to find Superman? Um, what the fuck is going on? Why is there a shrine? Why did I think Christopher Walken was gonna show up? Who’s Prince Pointy Head? What the fuck is going on? You guys. You guys. No. Did GRRM tell HBO the White Walkers origin story? I’ve got a lot of grievances for the Festivus Pole this year!
