Remember that time that Joffrey choked to death at his own wedding? Yeah, that was pretty great. I mean, not looking at his gross purple face and bulging out eyes, but great cuz he really, really had it coming. I mean, the whole Seven Kingdoms is better off for that shit leaving this mortal coil, hell, probably the Eastern Kingdoms too. But of course Cersei doesn’t feel that way.
And really, bitch? You think Tyrion did it? He’s got more to lose than other people who also hated Joffrey. And he wouldn’t be the one holding the fucking cup if he was the brains of the operation. THIS is why Tywin never let you make any decisions.
Sansa GTFO of there thanks to Ser Drunkard, who leads her to a mystery ship and a one way ticket outta King’s Landing. And OF COURSE it’s Little Finger pulling the strings. That creepy little bastard. Ser Drunkard gets his just desserts, which is sad, but LF has a point about loose lips and Sansa ships.
After Tywin quizes next-in-line Tommen about leadership and takes him away, Cersei and Jaime getting down and nasty right next to Joffrey’s rotting corpse. That is hella gross. I mean, I know that when you’re having an incestuous affair you have to strike while the iron is hot and such, but, ick. Cersei was really not feeling it, but Jaime was having none of it. Let’s just move on from this horror show.
Arya and the Hound continue their Burning Bridges Tour! I have to admit that this is my favorite story in all the books. I love how the interactions between the two of them changes them so very much, both for the good and bad. Arya becomes more of a murderous psycho and the Hound maybe, just a little, feels bad about the shit he does but doesn’t stop. I didn’t say it was a healthy relationship, it’s just something I can relate to. Anyway, Harya (oof, that’s awful, I’m not using that ever again) find a kindly farmer who after some manipulation by Arya, takes them in and feeds them, then actually offers scary ass Hound paid work. Instead, Hound punches the farmer in the head and steals all his money. Arya yells at Hound who explains his pragmatism and Arya shakes her head. Baby steps!
Up at the Wall, everything continues to be terrible and cold and dreary. Sam tries to convince Gilly that she’ll be safer in Mole Town and ships her off, but she totally won’t be! You big dumb idiot! Mole Town is gross and filled with Westeros grossies.
News of Joffery’s death reaches Dragonstone which makes Stannis go neener neener to Davos, proving that his blood magic worked. Eh, sure dude. Davos schemes to fund Stannis’ push for power but it’s not looking good for Oldy McGrumpyking.
Orgy town! Thank you, HBO, for finally showing us some quid pro cock for all the boobs and lady butts. There was still a disproportionate ratio of dick to tit, but I’ll take whatever I can get. Please don’t send me any emails, I don’t mean literally. Oberyn sure gets interrupted a lot when he’s trying to get busy, that is so rude, he pays good money at that whorehouse! Lock a goddamn door! Tywin poses questions as threats but quickly turns to business propositions which Oberyn seems willing to accept.
Oh Tyrion, how many jails have you been in? This time things look quite dire for him, even tho it’s more than apparent he had nothing to do with it. Pod is, as ever, loyal to a fault and Tyrion tells him to run before he looses his head. Definitely good advice.
And then the Wildlings showed up and everything went to shit. Damn dude, that’s how you pillage. I fucking hate Thens too! Tormund, you’re so smart. Jon Snow has more unpopular opinions about what to do about the Wildlings and the impending invasion. If they find out just how weak the Wall really is, well, doom and giants and death for everyone.
Dany lines up her troops outside Mareen, hoping this show of strength will convince them to… free their slaves? The city scoffs and sends a champion to fight so Dany sends Daario. Dude’s got style, I’ll give him that. This is a slight change from the books and I can see why and it’s okay with me. Dany’s been working on her speech writing skills and bombards the city with broken chains from the slaves she’s freed. THIS is also different from the book, so we’ll see what else from this particular storyline gets altered cuz I always found it a bit dense and weird.
How does an hour go so fast?! It’s like I’m playing “Diablo 3” and suddenly I should’ve gone to bed two hours ago!
