Sam sure does have too much wood as Gilly points out, but he doesn’t know what to do with it. They are continuing their flight south after the massacre at Craster’s but this is just a check in to make sure they haven’t been eaten by Wights yet.
Bran’s little band of runners face some domestic issues when Meera and Osha can’t seem to get along. Osha has a hard time being told what to do, Wildling that she is. But Bran puts a stop to it and those rabbits they’re roasting look delicious. We see Jojen having a green dream and it looks pretty terrible, but he sees Jon Snow, south of The Wall. DUN DUN DUN!
Cut to, Jon and his Wildling cronies, getting ready to scale The Wall. Ygritte points out that Jon Snow seems terrified of climbing The Wall, because he should be! Look at that fucking thing! I ain’t going anywhere near it. Our merry band of troopers starts their ascent and my vertigo sets in. Ack! One fatal strike and a whole sheet of ice begins to break off and Jon and Ygritte fall to the length of their rope and Orell starts to cut them away. What a dick! At the last second Jon is able to get a hold and save Ygritte. Jesus I’m sweating after that.
Arya continues to kick ass, this time with a bow and arrow when a surprise guest emerges from the trees. Who can it be but none other than our favorite Red Priestess, Melisandre. Oh my god, so much just happened. Thoros, the reluctant priest, explains his lack of faith but the magic that brought Dondarrian back. We’ve got Melisandre taking Gendry, and we’ve got her looking and SEEING into Arya’s eyes and omg it’s so exciting, I can’t stand it.
In the depths of Hell, Theon continues to be tormented by the Bastard. Everybody needs a hobby? I can’t even watch, it’s so goddamn painful and oogey and creepy. Gawd.
Robb does his best to appease the Frey’s as he now needs The Twins to continue his attack south. Lord Frey is an old, stubborn git who has a list of demands including Fucking Harrenhal (which who cares about that crapfest) and for Edmure Tully to marry one of his daughters. Edmure is remarkably hesitant but gets a verbal slap down by everyone in the room.
Speaking of Fucking Harrenhal, Jaime and Brienne face a caustic dinner with Lord Bolton, who agrees to send Jaime back to King’s Landing but has different plans for Brienne. Jaime tries to demand she continue on with him but Bolton is having none of it and puts Jaime in his place.
Lady Oleanna now faces her greatest foe in Tywin, and has him on the ropes almost the entire conversation. So many double entendres! So many sly jabs! In the end it is agreed that Cersei will marry Loras, even tho he’s a sword swallower. Her words, not mine. Oh and glass houses, Tywin, glass fucking houses.
Cersei and Tyrion have a regular conversation, for them, but all agree that their current predicaments are sub-par. Meanwhile, Loras and Sansa continue their dumb charade. Tyrion breaks the news to Sansa of their planned marriage and she goes all emo, especially at the sight of Littlefinger’s boat sailing away to the Eyrie.
When J and Y finally make it to the top of the Wall they’re both struck by the magnificent view of the horribly cold, depressing north and the fertile, inviting south. It’s all downhill from here, kids… Literally, figuratively.
In the throne room, Varys and Littlefinger have a most interesting conversation that really showcases just what each of them is trying to achieve. This episode really makes me think, just what is everyone’s pretty little plan? The title “The Climb” pertains to many people and their desires for power or money or revenge. Littlefinger is most assuredly out for his own personal gain and loves the chaos that war has unleashed. Varys meanwhile, claims to be scheming for the good of the realm, but who even knows what that means. I really wonder what the disciples of the Red God, the Lord of Light think the end game is. They know that a champion is coming to combat the coming darkness, but which one?
