Episode Five!!!! It’s going too fast! Too fast! Slow down! Make this book two seasons! I feel like they did an excellent job with this episode, advancing the story, really giving time to the important plot points and some fine, fine acting by our lovely cast. Oh GoT, I think I’m in love with you.
The Hound faces challenge by combat against Badass Berric, for the night is dark and full of terrors. And when Berric lights his sword on fire, the Hound is none too pleased. In an intense fight, the Hound struggles to attack under a barrage from Berric, runs from the flame but finally manages to slice Berric right through the shoulder in a bloody mess. Down for the count, but not out. The Lord of Light blesses this one, for better or worse.
North of the Wall, Jon is making few friends and finally succumbs to the wily ways of Ygritte, crazy red head that she is. What’s the harm in breaking a few more oaths?
Back in fucking Harrenhal, Jaime and Brienne are delivered to Lord Bolton and both are in rough shape. Qyburn the disgraced former maester treats Jaime’s hand in a grisly scene and makes me glad for modern medicine.
I want to be Lady Oleanna when I grow up. A surly old battle axe who don’t take no shit, and who is most likely to pay you a compliment while stabbing you in the back. She gives Tyrion a run for his money and he can barely say peep before she’s gone. Now how many times has that happened to The Imp?
Robb has a tough choice to make when one of his lords kills the two Lannister hostages to seek revenge for his sons who died in the war. I get where you’re coming from, bro, but you done fucked up. Robb has to take action but in doing so and lopping off ol Scruffy’s head, he looses valuable support and men. Robb gets the excellent idea to go after Casterly Rock, home of the Lannisters, the only catch is that he needs the Frey’s support. Now Robb was supposed to marry a Frey back in season two, but his dick got stuck in another chick somewhere along the way. Good luck with that.
Gendry decides to stay on with the Brothers and now poor Arya is alone and feeling even more depressed. Thoros says she’s to be returned to Riverrun for a sizeable reward but the realization that she’s just a pawn is none too appetizing. She asks Thoros if he can bring back a man who lost his head and then everyone is sad.
It’s a sad scene in Dragonstone when Stannis visits his mostly cast aside wife and tragic daughter. His daughter, Shireen, suffers from Greyscale on her face but is still a sweet soul who asks after Davos, to the chagrin of her father. She visits Davos in the dungeon and vows to teach him to read.
It’s not so sexy bath time while Jaime tells Brienne the tale of Mad King Aerys, who sounds like he knows how to have an awesome cookout, wildfire style. It’s another tragic tale of loyalties and power and finally gives us a glimpse into Jaime’s past. Even Brienne looks horrified to learn the truth of that day. And then he passes out. More nakedness in this episode than we’ve had for a while. I for one support it! Equal opportunity! Bare butts for everyone!
Dany addresses her troops and they’re more hardcore than you imagined. Her two dads argue about whose dick is bigger.
Littlefinger really outdoes himself this time in his always ongoing search for information. He has one of his pretty little spies seduce Loras and we get some more nice butt shots and man on man action. Loras lets it slip that he is to marry soon which sends Littlefinger after Sansa to be creepy but of course she’s clueless and realizes nothing.
It’s family meeting time with the Lannisters and Cersei can’t help but smirk like it’s going out of style, all because Tywin plots to marry Sansa to Tyrion before the Tyrells can sneak her off and marry her to Loras. Get all that? It just got all political up in here! And then the tables turn and Cersei is going to have to marry Loras and dad gets mad and yells at everyone and nobody is having fun now. Super great shot at the end showing both dour siblings divided by a column. Symbolism, we haz it!!
