You know it’s going to be a good episode when ALL the warnings show up on the intro screen. Graphic nudity! Violence! Other ones!
Winterfell falls to dickbag Theon. And his need for approval makes him look like a whiny teenager. Oh Theon. How did whacking off that head feel? You looked like you were gonna puke. That’s not a good look for you.
Come to the Wall they said, it’ll be fun they said. Jon gets more lessons from Halfhand that he doesn’t listen to or understand cuz he’s young and dumb. They come upon the Wildling lookouts and kill two out of three before Jon realizes the third is a girl and can’t kill her. Ygritte manages to completely stump Jon because he’s so Emo that he can’t see beyond those bangs of his. She’s got moxie and she’s gonna use it goddammit cuz that’s what gingers do.
There’s more of Tywin being a right bastard that you can’t help but enjoy. He’s like, an evil Wink Martindale or something. Little Finger makes all the stops on his “Save My Own Ass” tour and spills to Tywin what the Tyrells are doing now that Ghost Stannis put a stop to Renly. You don’t really need to worry about it.
Tyrion sends Mycella off to Dorn and Cersie goes “Wha wha wha wha”. Just like the adults in Charley Brown. Srsly Cersei, you sound like a fog horn. You know who else doesn’t like Cersei? All the people who live in her city. Her loyal subjects have had enough and when one of them throws some cow shit at Joffery all hell breaks loose. He’s all, “My makeup!” and they’re all “We’re dismembering your priest!” and he’s all “Kill them all! My precious pride!” and then the Hound’s all “You’re all dead”.
And Tyrion smacks Joffery in the face. Can’t wait for that gif.
Grunge rocker assassin takes his second name after Arya is caught with a scroll she shouldn’t have and panics. I feel like this is a wasted hit. I know she panicked and is only, what, 14? But still. She’s got one left. Make it count!
Robb and his commoner fetish. This bitch, I just, look, at least his girlfriend is actually in the foreground here. In the books, this weird fascination happens off screen and seems a little lazy on Georgie Martin’s part. But Cat arrives to spoil the fun and insists on “duty” and probably the Missionary position. She’s so predictable.
Theon is like that guy that you think is totally hot but he’s in some shitty band and is a total asshole cuz hes too dumb to know any better. Osha is a badass and I think that’s all I have to say about that. She’d be fun to do shots with and TP some houses.
Hey Dany. What’s up. You get those ships yet? Nope? Okay, we’ll check in with you next week. Oh, someone stole your dragons? Well. That’s news to me.
Predictions! Jon performs a stirring rendition of Meat Loaf’s “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad” at the Black Brother’s annual talent show. He takes third place.
