After last week’s What the Fuckitude, I’m going to really, really try not to get hung up on the books versus the show and the order of things and whether or not ice zombies show up and turn a baby into Kal-El. This is a big step for me, be gentle.
Now that Joff the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad King is dead, King Tommen is big pimpin’ in the Seven Kingdoms. Margery makes flirty eyes at Tommen but Cersei ain’t having it. Wait, maybe she is. I guess she knows when to make an ally rather than an enemy and they conspire to maintain and/or gain what power they have.
WHERE THE FUCK IS SER POUNCE?!!?
Dany gets good news about Joff, bad news about everything else. All the cities and slaves she emancipated have been taken over by opportunists and now she has to decide what to do. Sail to Westeros and lay some flames on them, or straighten out the shit show of Slaver’s Bay. She realizes she can’t get a whole continent to follow her if she doesn’t know how to rule, so rule she must.
Then things get real creepy. Sansa and Little Finger arrive at the Eyrie, which is to be their sanctuary, that is until Lysa shows her true colors. Yikes. The show runners want to make it real clear here that it’s all LF. It’s all Petyr guys! Him and his plots, he started it all! He had Lysa poison her husband, John Arryn, and send the letter to Cat freaking out about the Lannisters. That’s what started it all!! Oh you sneaky lil bastard. Now that they’re here Lysa wants to get married and get busy. Then she goes totally batshit on Sansa over cakes and jealousy.
Cersei and Tywin have a nice chat over weddings and gold and the Iron Bank.
Arya and the Hound: Burning Bridges Tour! Arya’s starting to freak him out a little bit, especially with with her list of names and the very last name. SHADE! Arya scampers off to the river to practice and when the Hound insults her, she stabs at him, which he was not expecting. His reaction is so great. You two scamps! I just want to give you head nuggies!
The awkwardness of Brienne and Pod is so charming. Brienne looks totally hot in that armor and riding along. She’s my spirit animal. She finally comes around to respecting Pod after he confesses to killing a Kingsguard at the Blackwater. He just wants to help you with your armor!
Cersei is making her rounds of the judges like a good little meddler. She speaks with Oberyn about children and power and wants to send a gift to Myrcella. Is that actual emotion?
North of the Wall, the Crows descend upon Craster’s. Jojen has a super weird vision. Locke sees Bran and in the chaos tries to take him. But Bran wargs it up and has Hodor practically tear his head off. Karl could work at Benihana with those knife skills but Jon still gets him. Christ, I guess Valyrian steel IS really sharp. Ghost finally reappears and eats Rast. Yay!! And then they burn it all to the ground. See. Jojen was right!
