Happy Mother of Dragons Day! They grow up so fast, but today is about you!
We rejoin our Wildling troop now that they’re south of The Wall with Jon trying to explain the finer points of “civilized warfare” to Ygritte who, as always, insists that Jon knows nothing. Tormund entertains the troops with his sizable knowledge of screwing dogs. Oh Tormund, you’re the greatest. Orell makes an unwanted and desperate pass at Ygritte, who insists she loves Jon Snow but seems hesitant at best. Orell, don’t be creepy.
Kat continues her fretting as Robb and his army’s journey to the Twins is delayed by terrible weather, insisting that Old Dick Frey will take it as a slight against his great honor. Robb and whats-her-name get all sexxxy times and apparently she’s all knocked up with a wolf baby. Great.
Poor little Sansa finally realizes, or doesn’t, that she’s just a pawn in all of this. Margery gives her an excellent speech about making the best, and how Tyrion is definitely NOT the worst Lannister of the bunch. Bron does the same for Tyrion and but no one’s happy, except for Bron, because he’s always happy.
Sitting atop the Iron Throne like a jerk, Joffery summons the Hand, his grandfather, in an attempt to put him in his place and question him about matters of the small council. All Joffery accomplishes is to let Tywin make him feel small and stupid and realize that the King does not know what’s going on in this kingdom or anywhere else. Is that a smirk on Tywin’s face as he dismisses himself? Yes it is.
Dany and her two dads arrive at Yunkai but “negotiations” to release all their slaves does not go well. Those dragons are getting big! And intimidating as all hell. Dany is playing the game right, for sure.
I am so tired of Shae and her hold over Tyrion. He has a problem with strong willed whores, that is really a habit he should break. Shae seems to know where she stands, even if she doesn’t like it. Why can’t Tyrion do the same. It’s all daddy issues with these Lannisters.
Our favorite red priestess sails to Kings Landing with Gendry and reveals that he is Robert’s bastard. We also get a nice overview of the river, post wildfire massacre. So many sunken ships.
Arya, the strong willed, gets super goth in this episodes, accusing Berric of being a traitor for giving up Gendry. He says he must serve his one true god, and Arya retorts that her god is death. She yells some more about what jerks they are and runs off only to be snatched up again by a lurking Sandor Clegane. So begins my favorite part of Arya’s story.
Jaime visits Brienne to say goodbye, with oh so much regret and fear in his eyes. Jaime has come to respect Brienne as a fighter and care about her and now that he is to leave, he fears for her future. She tells him to honor the oath they both made to Kat and that his debt to both of them will be paid. She then calls Jaime by his name, the only time she’s ever done that and he is shamed that he can do nothing for her.
The horror that is Theon’s present continues, and I really wish it wouldn’t. This new fresh hell involves super hot girls rubbing their junk all over him. Hot. But like, so disturbing. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. If you watched it, you know. If you didn’t, well you’re better off not knowing.
Jon and Ygritte’s honeymoon is cut short because Jon sucks at being a double agent. He unfortunately cares too much for Ygritte and ties to convince her that THEY won’t win. She points out WE will win, and is heartbroken but tries to shake it off. More pawns in a big game of “Everyone Gets Fucked” and it’s sad.
Osha suffers from PTSD when Bran says that they are going north of The Wall, rather than to Castle Black. She tells a horrifying story of her time in the North and a run in with a Wight. I don’t blame her, the North sounds shiiiiiity. Hodor has one line again but makes the most of it.
Sir Stumpy and Qyburn have an insightful chat about dying men and Jaime learns that Brienne is in danger. He demands to return to Fucking Harrenhal and uses his persuasive tongue to drive the point home. When they return, the remaining men have gathered around a pit holding a now bloodied Brienne and a goddamn bear, all singing “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”, which is not about this particular scenario. Jaime jumps down to save her in what may be his most noble act ever and angers Count Douchebag. Even in the face of impending death and doom, Brienne never backs down and is fierce as shit. This is why we love her. Jaime convinces the mob that Tywin will be most displeased should anything else happen and off they go, back to King’s Landing. What a tense goddamn episode.
