Disclaimer: This is a review–there shall be things told and discussed so if you are still downloa…errr…watching on HBO, please wait until after to read here!
Disclaimer 2: I love Game of Thrones (GoT from here on out). I love the books, I love the series, I dig the cartoon, the games, even the special underwear (guess the character!). With that said, I wasn’t thrilled with the writing of last season. Hopefully this season/series (ahoy, Brits!) will fix it, or as JJ said, “This will begin to make things right…” Let the finger crossing…begin!
We start with the recap of the previous season (along with a slight heart attack for my HBO Now taking a crap during John Oliver’s show right before the GoT season premiere. I’m looking at YOU, Unlocator!).
The episode starts with Jon Snow lying in a pool of his own blood. Apparently, the Night’s Watch didn’t remember the last time a dead body was left unattended within the walls. Thankfully, Ser Davos finds him and has a few of the true brothers drag him inside. Any bets the Red Lady brings this Snow back? And cue the over clothed witch…
Alliser gives the rest of the Night’s Watch a pretty heavy speech about loyalty and how one should never obey orders. I guess I must have blacked out when the raven came in with the text to Julius Caesar.
Switch to the insane and frustratingly still alive Gordon Ramsey…errr..Michael Bolton. Umm…no. I mean, Ramsay Snow/Bolton. Either way, the location switch really only sets up the “Hey, what did happen to Sansa and Theon?” Three words: Polar Bear Club. Yes, the witless wonder teams up with the something-else-less wonder for a winter land romp through the icy cold waters of Starktopia. Things go from bleak to worse when Bolton’s men surround them. Goodbye, Sansa. We hardly knew…ye Gods! Is that? It is! It’s Captain Phasma! Brienne of Tarth is a sight for sore eyes! Oh, and what’s this? Podrick learned sword fighting? Just how long had those two been wondering around?
So, truth time. If you were Sansa–and you knew Brienne didn’t exactly have a stellar track record–would you accept her in your service? I mean Brienne is a great fighter, but she’s 0-3 with protecting the people she’s in charge of.
Cut To: A rather mournful looking Lannister couple. Hey, look! Jamie and Cersei are alone–talking about one of their dead family members–and nobody is raping anyone! I wonder if the writer’s finally figured it out? Jamie is looking a lot more like ‘Jamie’ here. Part of the frustration of the previous season was his really weird character switch. It’s good to see him reboot back to his actual character.
The logical follow up to the reboot of Jamie back to himself is, of course, Margaery is rotting in her cell. Her Kingly husband is a bit nowhere to be seen.
Speaking of kings, Dr Bashir is next on the GoT show. He’s about to lose his, well, I would have said “lose his head” when he finds out what happens to the Lannister girl. Just as I typed this, though, well, he loses something alright. I have to say, I didn’t see this one coming. Nothing left to do on Dorne but, “Computer, end holodeck simulation”. The Sand Snakes, by the way, all I have to say is, “some writer sure watched Mad Max a bit over the break”.
Tyrion is the next contestant on “Will he die before the end of his scene?”. I have to say, I rather like Tyrion and Uncle Fester working together. They were rather successful in King’s Landing and this should prove no different. I mean, a city full of masked killers, burning ships, and a few dragons tied up? What could possibly go wrong?
From the city we swing into the countryside with Ser Grayscale and Mr “I can’t believe the original actor left to pursue a different role”. After they discuss the finer qualities of how to melt a ram horn, we switch to the “more sweaty topless guys riding in a desert” montage. Oh, whew! Thank god there’s talk of sodomy and rape, I mean, I was beginning to think the writers took any of their previous criticism by the internet and the show’s creator to heart. It is known.
It is also known that a blind girl is nobody. It’s great to see a blind girl getting fighting lessons. It does make me wonder just what sort of place Bravos is that a blind beggar can get the snot kicked out of her and nobody even blinks. It sounds like Vegas after the All-Star Game.
Knock knock knocking on Ser Davos’s door. After what has to be the most awkwardly polite intimidation scene, we are treated to the Red Woman. Truth be told, I had to look the actress up when I first saw her as she’s a dead ringer for an ex of mine. Of course, I mean the part of her being an unholy priestess sent to earth to suck out men’s souls. What she does next…all I can say is ewwww ewwww ewwww ewwwww. Darn you all! I did not sign up for grannie porn! Whelp, that can’t be unseen.
Wow, I really hope the coming attractions (no pun–at all–after that ending) cleanses my mental palate after that scene.
All in all, it seems that this season opener did a mix of pushing the story back to where it should be and making me wish I was Arya Stark, blind and getting the snot kicked out of me. It will be interesting to see where the series goes and if the books will follow. Yes, I do complain a bit about the writing, but you know darn well (and so does HBO) that we’ll keep coming back. And back is where I shall be next week for another exciting episode of Game of Thrones, the only show on tv that takes “F. Marry Kill” a bit too literally.
