I’m in Detroit. This place is weird. Why is everything so spread out or in a strip mall? Weeeeiiiird. And I live in Baltimore.
So there is about to be some serious shit that goes down. Are you ready? I said, ARE YOU READY!?!? This episode is brought to you by the letter GROSS! and the number Primal Screams!
Also, what happened to all the boobies? I miss the boobies. Bring them back. It’s like on Deadwood when all that swearing was a thing, and then people made fun of it and the second season was dumb. BOOBIES!
Alright Davos, you ready? You got this? Take all these ships, and fuck some shit up.OOoo, you’ve got the wind on your side? That will totally help you out!
Do you think Shae will turn out to be some crazy assassin sleeper agent. Cuz I sure wouldn’t see that coming. So far she’s been pretty useless. Except in the being annoying and screwing Tryion categories. Both of which I’m not so fond of.
Cersei gets some mickey from Old Man Wizard to slip herself if she gets stressed during the siege. Or wants to kill herself before Stannis tries to do her in the butt. I’m guessing. That guy is weird.
There are the boobies! Thanks Bronn! You always know how to come through. Hound ruins their good time but proves it’s his ground, even tho Bronn tries to stand up for himself. Dude, it’s the Hound. He’s like, all bad ass and shit. You may have wit on your side but I think he could rip you in half with his bare hands. Just, watch yourself.
Varys offers Tyrion a map and some words and seems genuinely human and scared. This is a rare moment indeed. This is some of the best banter and writing in this episode. When Varys speaks, you know so much more is happening under the surface that he doesn’t want to admit or say out loud. Varys is totally one of my favorites. Smart, conniving, witty. You go girl!
Sansa has found her tongue! And she’s being super bitchy to Joffery with it! Go Sansa! That’s the only time Imma say that. Ever.
All the bitches hide in a church while Cersei gets tanked and speaks to Sansa about being drunk and a power hungry woman. Look, bitch, no one’s got sympathy for you. You screwed your brother (admittedly he’s pretty hot), conspired to kill your husband and the king, and countless others, and you’re just a biotch.
Back on the bay, Davos moves his ships in and is about to attack when one lone ship moves towards them. I’m sure they’re just saying hello. Or it’s filled with wildfire and…. Holy SHIT!! That wildfire went off like a goddamn atom bomb! Water is not gonna help out with that fellas, sorry to tell. Oh man, they are so screwed. Yeesh.
Cersei is srsly drunk now. DRINK! Anybody else notice that her hair changed mid scene? I sure did! Maybe it’s cuz she’s drunk and like, it was annoying her? Back it up. I’m totally right.
Why doesn’t the Hound like fire? Well, if you’ve read the books you’d know. If you haven’t, well look at his face and guess. And he’s none too happy about all that goddamn wildfire. Lots of people die by arrow or falling rock and it is super brutal to watch. God, this makes me glad that I’m watching it on an ipad in my hotel room and not my giant mega screen at home. Oh, that guy’s head got chopped in half? Great.
The Hound knows how to quit a job! Fuck the Kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king. Hound, you’re alright. Now it gets into weird territory with the Hound telling Sansa to come with him as he flees the city. Do you think he’s going to get Cobra coverage after his insurance with the Lannisters runs out? I mean, he’s got like 30 days to sign up for that? Right?
Tyrion leads a charge against Stannis’ troops and that goes super great, until it doesn’t. And then he gets slashed in the face. You’re okay buddy! Get up! Get up!! And then frigging Tywin comes charging through on his stupid white stallion to save the day. Meanwhiles, Cersie is on the Iron Throne telling some fucked up Goldilocks story and almost poisons her kid. Sheesh. Wait 5 minutes!
No Jaqen in this episode. Booo. But he WAS in the preview for next week!! I may have played just that part over and over. A few times. Maybe. Don’t judge me!
Predictions! Varys is a contestant on next season’s RuPaul’s Drag Race. He doesn’t even have to tuck!
