I’ve written about a number of nonpenetrative Fucking Machines adjunct robots this month, but the really must-have Xmas gadget from the Fucking Machines engineers is the UPD. “The Universal Positioning Device, or UPD for short, gives a “pillow-soft” feel to even the most ridiculously heavy steel fucking machine. Balance this baby up, and the cock feels like it’s floating on air. The modified parallelogram linkage with pussy-seeking action keeps that cock rock-solid and pointed at that magic spot, ALL the time. Fucking models with the UPD means never having to say “okay, baby; enjoy yourself, but don’t move too much or you’ll get hurt”!”

UPD Specifications:
length on axis 186 cm (72″)
fork spread 61 cm (24″)
weight capacity 0 - 55 kg (0 - 120 lb)
working height 0 - 100 cm (0 - 40″) above floor

spring constant 0.5 N/cm (1/4 lb/in)
work envelope 93 cm (36″) horizontal
66 cm (26″) vertical
geometry modified parallelogram, with “pussy-seeking” action